In Full Bloom (The Element of Freedom)

And the day came
When the risk it took
To remain tight and closed in the bud
Was more painful
Than the risk it took to bloom
This is the element of freedom

Alicia Keys (The Element of Freedom)

Dear Friends:

A few days ago I purchased Alicia Keys’ lastest album, “The Element of Freedom.” While this is not an album review the introductory poem (above) is what compelled me to write this post. I replayed the intro several times before continuing with the rest of the CD. It struck an emotional chord because I felt like she wrote it for me (lol).

Although I don’t literally believe that there is this giant man in the sky that has a plan and purpose for our lives I still believe that the universe itself is alive. I believe in the concept of energy and how we (and all living things) are apart of it. We all have purpose, uniqueness, and something wonderful to contribute. Some of us know right out of the gate who we are and what we’re supposed to be.

Others of us have no earthly clue and then, on any given day of our lives, discover that purpose and allow it to unfold…

Myself, I am what people have always refered to as “A Late Bloomer.” Everything came late for me. Before going further I’d like to be totally honest and reveal a few personal things. I’m 27 years old and I’ve never been outside the state of Texas (unless you count New Orleans and Disney land; however, my mother said I was still in her womb. So technically those don’t count). I’ve never lived in another city. I didn’t go to any proms or dances when I was a teenager. I have no tales of debaucherous sexual trysts to regale anyone with (seeing as I’ve only had sex, up until recently, in the context of relationships. Compared to some people I’m practically still a virgin). I’ve never had, up until recently, close friends or acquaintances (because I was so petrified that people would not think I was good enough). I’ve never been alone a day in my life (when I didn’t live at home I had a college roommate), ever. Lastly, I’ve never truly been in love (more in love with the idea of it. I think you can only truly be in love when the other person loves you back).

The list could go on but those are just off the top of my head. If I were a color I’d definitely be green. My existence, up until fairly recently, has been incredibly sheltered. Some of it was the doing of my parental units whereas others were of my creation. It has only been recently that I’ve begun the adventure of finding out who Toddy is and what HE wants out of life.

One of my favorite movies in the world is “Their Eyes Were Watching God” (based on the novel of the same name by Zora Neale Hurston). Although the movie stars Halle Berry (Ya’ll know how much I loooove Halle, heh) this was (in my opinion) one of her most beautiful and sincere roles, ever (next to Introducing Dorothy Dandridge and Queen. Let’s put it this way in certain roles I love Halle. In others she stinks like rotting mackerel)…

In the film Halle Berry portrays a young woman by the name of Janie. Janie, as a young black woman in the 1920′s, really has nothing to look forward to other than being a man’s wife. So in order to keep Janie from being some random bloke’s ”good time girl” her grandmother (played by Ruby Dee) marries her off to an old geezer (at the age of 17). However, later in the marraige, Janie leaves the geezer and runs away with a man named Jody who promises her a life of prestige and comfort. Together Janie and Jody help transform Eatonville, Florida into a thriving African-American community. Jody is eventually made  mayor of the fledgling town and Janie unwittingly inherits the unofficial title of the “Mayor’s Wife.” Instead of being her free-spirited self Janie, in order to appease her husband AND the towns people (who all believe that she must behave in a certain manner), denies herself her identity and happiness. Janie binds up her beautiful hair and stifles her youthful spirit and vitality. Over the course of twenty years she is relegated to the role of “The Mayor’s Wife.”  During this time Janie is merely existing, staying in her lane and living up to the perceptions and expectations that everyone else had of her. Suddenly, after twenty years  Jody is struck ill and dies. After the funeral Janie stands in the mirror and removes her head wrap, allowing her flowing locks to fall to her waist. Much like her hair Janie’s truest self was released. She later meets a handsome young suitor, Teacake, (played by the BEAUTIFUL Michael Ealy), falls truly, madly, and deeply in love (for the first time), and lives her life for herself for the very first time…

I saw so much of myself in the Janie character that it made me cry (happy tears though). I know what it is like to feel like a fraudulent person. It is painful when your entire existence is predicated on the idea of being “perfect” in the sight of others. However, when you are alone with yourself and thoughts you stop to wonder, “Who am I?” Yet, you eventually become so lost in the role and so passive in your own life that you become invisible to everyone…Then you forget entirely about who YOU are. Sometimes it takes something prolific to discover the element of freedom. For Janie it was the death of her husband. For me it was the death of my uncle…

Everyone knows my coming out story but long before that I was extremely closeted to myself. Even though I’d dealt with a man prior to coming out (officially) I’d gotten to a place in my life where my self-esteem was so low that I had just relegated my existence to going to church and staying in the comforts of my own bedroom (e.g. the familiar). I was far too afraid to truly be myself so staying in my lane was the only option. Everyone expected that of me. Eventually I just accepted it for myself. I was in pain but remained in the comfort of my little bud…

Yet, my uncle’s death was the catalyst that transformed my life. Granted, it wasn’t him dying per say it was what happened in the moments before the funeral. My cousin O (my uncle’s son whom I had not seen in ages) attended the funeral. My cousin O is a gay too. He lives in Vancouver and I’ve not seen him in ages. Well, he and his partner D  attended the proceedings together. O recognized me right away and introduced me to his significant other. Anyway, I cannot describe what happened to me other than to say it was like a light had shone through the darkness that enshrouded my life. When I saw them together it was like an epiphany. I remember thinking, “Oh my god that is ME!” I hung around the both of them for the rest of the day, like a little fly swarming cow dung. All of my life I had been taught that being gay or lesbian would lead to ruin. All I’d ever heard was the negative. Yet, here were these two handsome, well dressed, eloquent, and wonderful human beings happily together. That is what I KNEW I wanted for myself. For the first time I saw how my life could be. I didn’t have to be a recluse or some gay tragedy.

After the funeral I was very happy, for the first time in ages. It took me several days but one day I forced myself to say it out loud. “I am gay.” I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. The war with myself was over and a hole did not open up and devour me. I was still Toddy.

When that happened it did not stop there. Suddenly, I wanted to go back to college and start a new life. I wanted so much more than the confines of my previously lonely existence. In the ensuing years there was a lot of pain and hardship but the journey towards true freedom is never without obstacles. The people around me were used to seeing me (or NOT seeing me at all) in a certain way. Yet, by choosing to be authentic and self actualized they are the ones who’ve had to adjust to me (no longer the vice versa).

Being a late bloomer is not solely about being gay, however. That was just my journey. Your’s maybe different. You maybe a person–like myself–who didn’t have everything mapped out from point A to Z. Sometimes, you do have to live your life as a spectator before you can truly appreciate the uniqueness that is you. The sun will not rise before it’s ready. A bird will not fly until it’s ready. And a rose will not bloom until the spring. However, once they do reach their potential they are just as beautiful as all of the other birds and flowers. Maybe, at the age of 70, you would like to take up ballroom dancing…why shouldn’t you (if you’re physically able)? Why shouldn’t you have sex for the first time if you’re a 50 year old virgin? Why be embarassed of flying on a plane, for the first time, at the age of 40?  

Susan Boyle, at the age of 48, just released her first album (which became the number one debut album of all time) after living as a virtual recluse for most of her life (proving that you don’t have to be twenty-one and hot to sell a CD). So much acclaim is given to child prodigies who do everything early; however, no one gives any credit to the genius–who after being married for 50 years–becomes a world renowned painter at the age of 90.

For so long I felt so very inadequate because I haven’t had a “full” and “worldly” life by the age of 25. However, that doesn’t matter to me now. What matters to me is that I’m doing it now. Moreover, I’m doing it for myself and not for anyone else. When I set out to finish my college degrees it was for more than just acquiring a good job. My education was symbolic. It was me empowering myself for myself. That is why my graduation this year was so important. It officially closes a huge chapter in my life. Now, I am ready to write a new one. I won’t sit up here and lie and say that I’m not scared in some capacity. I am. I’m getting ready to leave behind everything (good, bad, and UGLY) that I’ve ever known. For the first time I’m allowing the world to see Toddy for who he really is and not just an illusion I tried to create in order to engender love and worthiness.

I know what I want now. I want every good thing in life that I deserve. Most important of all I am ready to truly embrace the concept of self actualization. I have the right to truly inhabit my being in complete and utter totality. I’ve decided that, in my heart and mind, I’ll never cease to be childlike. I will continue to learn something new and find beauty in every individual or situation that I come into contact with. This journey was my element of freedom.

Now, I feel like a flower in bloom. Watch me grow world. =0)

This is for all of my fellow rose buds out there. Keep on blossoming.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

A Day of Gratitude…

Dear Friends:

Today, I am very thankful. The meaning of this holiday is so much more significant to me now than ever before (and it isn’t about food either). As I type this I’m going to try and keep it cute because it’s always emotional speaking on the previous series of unfortunate events that occurred in my life just over a year ago. Last year, on this date, I really thought my mother was going to die. I was seriously bracing for, what felt like, the inevitable. She seemed to be getting sicker and sicker by the day. It was a horrible period. I felt: lonely, sad, lost, humiliated, afraid, and defeated…

What a difference a year can make, no?

Today I feel completely victorious. In a manner of speaking I feel reborn. My mother is healthy and happy again. I am healthy and happy again. Moreover, in less than three weeks, I’ll be completing my graduate program (and just three years ago I dropped out of school with only eighteen credit hours left on my BA). Sometimes I think back to that time and wonder, “How in the hell am I still here?”  Yet, when that thought pops into my head it is followed by “thank you.” Sometimes it pays to not even wonder why and just be thankful. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. None of us are exempt. All we can ever do is push through it. All things good and bad eventually come to an end. Be grateful for everything and everyone in your life. Most important of all be grateful to yourself. No matter what you ALWAYS have yourself.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

 

Butterflies (Transformation Is Beautiful)

Dear Friends:

I really love butterflies (not the Michael Jackson song, even though that is great too). I personally refer to them as “flying flowers.” It amazes me that mother nature could fashion something so dainty and wondrous. Yet, what appeals to me most about Butterflies is the phenomenon of transformation. Butterflies are born into the world as caterpillars. During this portion of their lives (the larval stage) they munch on leaves and do nothing else. But, when the time comes, they seal themselves within a cocoon and emerge as something so much more spectacular.

Butterflies, when you think about it, are a wonderful metaphor for life. As human beings we’re always metamorphing into something new all of the time. Sometimes we don’t like what we are, who we are, or where we are. Yet, we are in that situation nevertheless. But the wonderful thing is that nothing is permanent. The only time you stop growing and changing is when you die. Like the caterpillar we ALL eventually become something wonderful.

When I think about who I was only two years ago its so difficult for me to fathom. Yet, the experiences that I endured was food for my personal growth.

Presently, you maybe disgusted by: who, what, and where you are right now; but, give it some time. You will be who and what you were born to be, just like the caterpillar that becomes a flying flower.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

15 Words (Words Have Power)

Dear Friends:

This morning I stopped to think about words that are instrumental in my life. Whether we know it or not words are more than letters strung together to create meaningful thoughts and phrases. Words do have significant power. We can use them positively. We can use them negatively. Either way they impact our perception of the world. Therefore, I decided to sit down and write fifteen important words that helped me through every tribulation I’ve ever endured. These words empowered me. They still do…

1.) Love – love is the power that binds us all and makes everything else possible.  

2.) Beauty – The world can be quite ugly, but there is so much beauty as well. You just have to pause and take time to look at it.

3.) Magic – I don’t know if there’s a God. But I do believe in magic. I see it every single day.  Life is magic.

4.) Strength – strength isn’t about mere physicality. Strength of character, perseverence, and determination are much more significant.

5.) Courage – Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the ability to persevere even when you are scared nearly to death.

6.) Wisdom – With wisdom everything that truly matters will be your’s to gain. With wisdom one gains power. With wisdom one keeps it.

7.) Destiny – Whatever is for you WILL be for you.

8.) Compassion – I try putting on someone else’s shoes sometime. One day I may have to walk in them too.

9.) Gratitude - You never know what you’re missing when you’re too busy appreciating every single thing that you have.

10.) Hope - Hope (in my opinion) is never futile. When all hope is lost then surrender inevitably sets in. Yet, within surrender, hope always springs eternal.

11.) Faith – I don’t have religious faith. But I do have faith in myself to make all my dreams come true.  

12.) Laughter – Is good for the: skin, heart, and soul.

13.) Joy – is serenity. A joyful heart is not made content by other people and things. A joyful spirit just is.

14.)  Imagination – Dreams are the blue prints for our lives. It’s up to us to build on the foundation that imagination affords.     

15.) Redemption – Mistakes a simply a condition of human beings being human. No one is ever beyond being redeemed.

Early Resolution (A Message To Someone I Love)

Dear Toddy English:

You’ve spent your life being kind and nurturing to others. Now, as we come upon a new year, take the time and give all of the love, compassion, and goodness back to yourself.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Yourself.

P.S.

Don’t make anyone a priority when they consider you an option.

Thankfulness (Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude)

Dear Friends:

Today I complained about something that, in the grand scheme of things, will amount to beans. Therefore, I’ve decided to make a list of all the things I am grateful for. Sometimes we really do take it all for granted…

1.) I am thankful to be alive - Today is so lovely. Were I not amongst the living I would not be able to see it. Sunny days, blue skies, and fresh air are tres’ magnifique! ::smile:: Today I felt a cool breeze brush across my sweaty skin (I was running) and it was HEAVENLY. Loved it.

2.) I am thankful to be in great physical condition - A few months ago, after not being to the doctor in a couple of years, my physician told me that I was in wonderful shape. He told me, and I quote, “Boy, god been takin care of you.” I am filled with much gratitude that I can: walk, breathe, run, jump, dance, and etc al completely unassisted. Many people have to be on a respirator or dialysis.

3.) I am thankful for being skinny (slender) - (1.) because I can still shop in the boy’s section (therefore spend less for the same shirts in the men’s department) and (2.) I can wear all of these hip hugger jeans that make my butt look really cute.

4.) I am thankful for being employed - My current gig may not be setting the world on fire but ATLEAST it pays my bills, buys my food, and keeps gas in my car. Moreover, atleast I have it honey. Many people cannot say the same. I’ll always love and appreciate my employers for being as faithful to me as I’ve been to them, seriously.

5.) I am thankful for my senses - I am thankful that I have good eyes to witness all the beauty in the world. I am thankful for ears that allow me to hear great music (especially Michael Jackson). I am thankful for touch and sensation so I’m always able to appreciate the warmth and tenderness of a hug or kiss.

6.) I’m thankful for my teeth - without them I could not chew on toffee coated peanuts (my favorites). Moreover, they make my smile wonderful!

7.) My smile - everyone tells me it’s beautiful…::smile::

8.) My car - It may not be a super luxury car but it runs wonderfully, I can afford it, and it gets me from point A to B, C, D, E, F, and G!

9.) My mother - Many gays and lesbians do not have a parent who will love, accept, and embrace ALL of who they are. My mother loves every aspect of myself. I honestly don’t believe I would be the same person were it not for her affirmation of my orientation. Granted, it was not always as such but it got there.

10.) My skin, eyes, legs, and round face - I like those because everyone tells me they are beautiful. haha.

11.) My mind and sanity - Many people are insane or mentally disabled. I feel fortunate that I can think logically and abstractly. Moreover, I’m thankful for a good EIQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). Sometimes I can be too sensitive but I’m glad to know that I can empathize with people in pain and suffering.

12.) I am thankful for beauty - There are so many ugly things in the world, but beauty is abundant. I love great music, wonderful art, Vogue magazine, and etc al.

13.) I am thankful for blogs - Because each person’s blog that I read helps me see the world in a different way.

14.) I am thankful to be graduating (again) - A few years ago–due to a lot of turmoil–I had to forsake the pursuit of my second degree. However, one year ago I made the choice to finish what I’d started. Now, I’m on the cusp of achieving one of my many dreams…I have so MUCH gratitude for this.

15.) I am thankful for dreams - My dreams are my destination. They are my goal. Right now I’m on the path and were it not for dreams I’d be wandering aimlessly.

I’ll stop here! (lol)

I highly suggest taking a little time out for gratitude.

When bad things are happening don’t ask why…Just say thank you.

There is always something in the midst of everything that makes you glad.

With love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

How Rude(A little more assertiveness. Hold the aggression)

Dear Friends:

The topic dujour on everyone’s lips this week (tell me why I don’t know) is the now infamous Kanye West Vs. Taylor Swift incident. In addition to that Serena Williamsstarted trippin on the tennis court (talkin bout she was going to shove a ball down the woman’s throat. That was so not NICE) . Then there was the rogue senator, Joe Wilson, blatantly disrespecting the President of The United States on national television.

People are so RUDE nowadays.

People really should learn the fine art of assertiveness. Too many individuals have it in their minds that, in order to resolve any and every conflict, they must resort to virulent forms of aggression. That is a horrible thing that too many people believe in. Some people get AGGRESSION and ASSERTION convoluted. Aggression towards other people engenders: fear, ambivalence, and anger. Assertiveness demands respect and compassion.

How much different would these situations have been had…

1.) Instead of hijacking the microphone from Taylor Swift Kanye had gotten up, while presenting an award, and said, “I loved all the videos but Beyonce’s was definitely my favorite…”

2.) Instead of going for the jugular what if Serena Williams had instead stood her ground and protested the judgement, in a compassionate and kind tone of voice?

3.) What if Joe Wilson has raised his hand instead of speaking out of turn? (For the record fuck Joe Wilson).

Myself, I don’t believe in acting ugly and vulgar with anyone. That makes me feel like I’m lowering myself. True, I’ve been known to wreak havoc on people (who antagonize me first) in writing; however, in person, there is a line that I refuse to cross, which is demeaning someone just to make myself feel better.

I’m not an aggressive person at all, except of course when I’m pursuing something that I want (which is positive expenditure of my energies); however, I’m not the wilting wallflower either. I will speak my mind. But it will be in a kind, loving, and compassionate manner. Screaming and yelling is no longer optional for me (I had enough of that a couple of years ago). Now, I gently tell people, “No, I don’t approve of that,” or “No thank you. I have other plans tonight.”

You can be a powerful person without making someone else feel like they are worthless.

Assertiveness is about not only caring for yourself but also others. Major aggressiveness is selfish and self serving. Ultimately, you wind up alienating yourself from others and regretting your own actions in the long run. Assertiveness will not only garner respect but also understanding. It is freeing to be around someone whom you know will not literally tear your head off if you do something less than pleasing to them.

Lately, the world seems like one big town-hall meeting. I personally wish people would calm the fuck down.

With love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Beware the Whompa Domps!

 

Dear Friends:

Do you know what a Whompa Domp is? No? Alright, I thought so. Don’t worry it’s just my own silly made up terminology for a very serious issue.

A Whompa Domp is anyone, anything, or any situation that is toxic to you and for you. If you’re relating to a person that makes you feel bad whenever you’re near him or her and, for the life of you, cannot fathom why then chances are you’ve encountered a whompa domp.

I speak from experience. I’ve encountered a multitude of whompa domps and whenever I defeated one another always rose up to take his place. Often times I stopped to wonder, “Why are all of these whompa domps coming into my life?”  Then, just recently, the realization set in that I was inviting people like this to come dwell on my planet. By simply being a passive spectator in my own life (and in my own choices) I allowed whompa domps to enter, occupy, and nearly takeover.

You cannot blame a whompa domp for being a whompa domp. A whompa domp is a whompa domp just like a snake is a snake. You can feed a cobra; however, don’t be apalled when it bites you. It’s a cobra not a Pomeranian.

There has been a whompa domp in my life (Guy. If you don’t remember him you can scan past postings) that I’ve been exorcising. This week will make the second week in a row that I’ve not seen him. I’ll speak to him over the phone, occasionally, but even our marathon phone calls have all but ceased. In church today I vacated before he knew I was there. It made me feel bad on the inside; however, I’m just doing what I need to do in order to leave this relationship. Guy always made me feel: bad, guilty, trapped, depressed, and just out and out anxious. I had never been that kind of person until I met him. But, like all whompa domps, you won’t know them unless you’re really looking.

Now, as I continue to detox from the spectre of that “friendship”(which was nothing but a parasitic relationship…him feeding on me) I felt the need to share this (from too much experience in this particular arena)…

You can’t save a person that does not want to be saved. No matter how hard you try you cannot make a whompa domp not be a whompa domp. My counselor taught me this and it finally sank in.

I know better now…

Really, I was using Guy just like he was using me. In a perverse way I felt somewhat in control because I could do things for him that he could not do for himself. It made me feel special and loved (which was alternately masochistic), no matter that he ALWAYS needed something (and was in my grille’ 24/7/365) from me. Pretty soon I would become bitter, sad, angry, and depressed…The cycle between us was nothing but toxicity. That’s when I decided to break the chain completely.  

My major disappointment was that I set out to make new friends this year. Yet, it did not turn out as well as I had hoped. However, I am thankful that I got this lesson so early in my life.

The reason I kept getting into friendships like these is because the pattern of behavior is familiar to me. If you’ve read ANY of my previous passages you’ll know that my family always exhibited maladaptive behavior. So, when I’m around dysfunctional people it sometimes feels “normal” to me. Now, with all the counseling I’ve undergone in the past few years, I see it for what it is. I can’t abide people that make me feel bad anymore. It is no longer normal to me. Therefore, I’ll always be aware and in the moment when it comes to making new friends and cultivating relationships. I want to be around individuals that are positive motivating forces within my life. Moreover, instead of allowing my “friends” to pick me I’ll choose my friends with wisdom and care. I’m going to be a lot more selective about whom I allow into my life, on a personal level.

So, if you think you have a whompa domp (e.g. Toxic friendship or relationship) in your life just answer a few questions…

1.) Do you feel depressed/anxious (even physically tired) when you’re with your friend?

2.) Does it feel like you’re going to a job that you HATE whenever you and your friend are scheduled to hang out?  

3.) Does your friend consistently make you feel guilty whenever you cannot spend the lion’s share of your time with him or her?

4.) Does your friend always have something negative to say about everything? Moreover, does he or she always dump on your shoulder but never, ever, EVER, allow you the same courtesy?

5.) Is your friend disrespectful of your time  (e.g. in spite of you telling them you have to go to work at 8:00 am they keep you on the phone until 2)?

6.) Has your friend ever made a pass at your boyfriend or girlfriend? Moreover, is it a common occurrence?

7.) Do you find yourself constantly trying to reevaluate and change your own behavior  so as to make your friend happy with you?

8.) Does your friend always have drama with someone else? Moreover, is there an extensive history of “musical friends” (i.e. the friend version of musical chairs)?

9.) Calls you constantly to talk about nothing…

10.) Does your friend have very low self esteem and confidence? Moreover, does he or she try to belittle you (in subtle ways) about yourself?

11.) Is your friend constantly “selling” his or herself to you (e.g. always overplaying their experience, intellect, and etc al)?

12.) Does your friend want and demand ALL of your time and energy? Moreover, do you feel as though you committed a felony when you tell them no?

13.) Is your friend into illegal shit and want you to get involved with them?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then my dear…You have a whompa domp in your midst. Do yourself a favor and begin an exit strategy.

Granted, it will be difficult, especially if you become extremely close to the whompa domp in question. However, think about what this relationship is doing to you personally. Ask your non toxic friends and family members how the person in question has effected you.

We deserved to be happy, fulfilled, safe, and validated in our interpersonal relationships. Please, allow yourself the honor and dump your whompa domp.

I’ll be taking my own advice from now on.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

My Soul Has Been Anchored (Why I love Inspirational/Gospel Music)

Dear Friends:

Even though I still keep an open mind about the whole “God thing” (Agnostic…Open to either or. Not really sure) I’m finding myself, more and more, gravitating back to the music of my childhood, Gospel. I love gospel, black gospel in particular, not simply because of the artistry but also the soul, conviction, and universal truth within it. Even if you’re not a religious person there are themes that everyone can identify with.

This weekend I was in Best Buy and purchased a copy of my favorite gospel group’s (Trinitee 5:7) latest album. My favorite song on the joint is definitely, “My Soul Has Been Anchored.” For whatever reason I was moved to tears by that tune. Granted, them sistahs can SANG; however, I was really feelin the message.

How many times have we all felt as though our lives were just chaotic? I’m talking about those times when everything seems to be falling apart and tumult is seemingly ceaseless. That is a very scary situation to be in. I know because I speak to you from personal experience (read my coming out story). Yet, I look back on it and realize, “Hey, my soul really was anchored.” I was not destroyed by the chaos and upheaval. All of it was momentary and here I stand.

Just today I was reading, “Until Today” (a book filled with daily devotions) by my girl Iyanla Vanzantand she spoke about “coming home.” In Iyanla speak home isn’t a physical place but a spiritual one. The power for change, love, encouragement, and all that other wonderful stuff is right in our very midst. Taking the time to go “home” helps us anchor ourselves.

The song made me happy because just thinking about the resilience of the human spirit is beautiful. No obstacle is too big to overcome if you anchor yourself in place. What I want to say today is, that in the midst of trials and tribulations, take the time to be good to yourself. Even if it is something as small as buying a new outfit. Just taking the time to tell yourself that you’re worthy, in spite of what some negative force may dictate, is key.

Anyway, that was my spiritual up chuck for the day. Haha.

Best Wishes!

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Rehab (Part 2): Shedding A Toxic Friendship…

Dear Friends:

Last night I had my definitive conversation with Guy about our poisonous relationship. Basically, I let him know what he was doing to me and how it was making me feel. Do you know what he said? He admitted that he had become dependent upon our friendship to fulfill him and that, “He loved being around me and doesn’t have a lot of friends that are dependable…”

The key word being bandied about is “depend.” Basically, for the last few months, guy has been leeching off of me, emotionally, and that is why I always feel terrible when I’m around him.

So, after I laid it out and told him how he made me feel we got off the phone a few minutes later. I slept very well. This morning I got up with him on my mind though. I felt so sorry for him; however, the realization set in that my capacity to empathize heavily with people can be a liability as well as an asset. So I’ve decided to wean myself off of him. We aren’t going to be hanging out anymore and I’ll probably dodge his phone calls. It seems callous but I don’t know what else to do.

I didn’t really know the relationship was toxic until I started feeling terrible around him. But by then Guy had me wrapped me up in his sad, sad, and pitiful world. Now I see him for who he really is…A very depressed and lonely individual who needed company. My mother told me that, “He sees you as a ray of light…” I guess that’s true. Now, I know better though.

You cannot make another person happy. They have to be happy with themselves. So when I meet someone new he better not say, “I need someone to make me happy.” If that phrase is uttered I’m running in the other direction. I want a man that is happy already. That way we can share our happiness together.

Guy literally stole my joy and zeal for life at times. I’m sure he didn’t mean to; however, it can no longer be my burden. I have the right to feel happy when I’m with my friends and the onus shouldn’t be on me to fulfill another person, EVER.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t feel sorry for him (sometimes I feel too much compassion for people). But I have to look out for myself and my own well being first and foremost.

I recognize this pattern for what it is. People see me as caring and understanding and if I allow them to they’ll inevitably take advantage of that. Now I will do better at keeping up healthy boundaries.

Take care Guy. I hope you find all of the happiness, peace, love, and contentment that you need.

Toddy English.