Dear Friends:
I excerpted this from blogger Nova Slim @Novaslim.com and reposted it here. This was soooo hilarious and in many cases true! (lol) Admittedly, except for the evil, I’m a “skinny bitch.” (rofl) Look, I find nothing wrong with loving: The mall, Beyonce, and great fashion…(lmao) Seriously, even though this is satire it is so appropriate for a multitude of the men I’ve encountered.
Toddy English
The Skinny Bitch
This strain of Black gay is typically very young (”green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.
Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall.
Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Homo Thug
The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.
Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne
Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom
The Big Boy
These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.
Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Muscle Queen
They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.
Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
Diva of Choice: Creatine.
Top or Bottom: Power Bottom.
The Church Queen
In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.
Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.
Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard
Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.
The Uppity Snob
He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.
Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Alterna-Queen
He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.
Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom.
The Old Queen
The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.
Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.
toddyenglish
@$$ Is Not The New Vagina
Rumpalicious!
Dear Friends:
I’m having a huge problem lately. I’m still trying to figure out why so many gay men (well those of the bottom persuasion that is) refer to their rectal orfices (okay @$$holes) by such endearing nicknames like: Boi pussy, kitty cat, boogina, mangina, and etc al? Since when did ass become the new vagina?
Moving right along…
Okay, so whenever my good acquaintance and I delve into raunchy sex conversations (well, it’s mainly him. I am so demure when it comes to frank sex talk in public, lol) he’ll jokingly say, “Gwarl, when is the last time you had yo pussy cat stroked?” Of course that particular inquiry is always good for a chuckle; however, I’m often left standing with the metaphorical glaring neon question mark floating above head. It makes no sense why anyone would compare their ass to actual genitalia. Moreover, why would a grown man relate his ass to lady parts?
To me the mere idea makes me feel like I’m totally emasculating myself. I already know that being more “bottomly inclined” comes with a tremendous amount of stigma (even in gay society). However, I take no shame in it. It is how pleasure is derived for me. I simply refuse to compare my body, a man’s body, to that of a woman’s. I think women are beautiful. I’m just not one of them. Which is why I don’t understand the need to nickname your ass with a colorful descriptor generally used to describe the pleasure zones of a woman.
One guy I know refers to his rump as ”booty candy.” Are you kidding me? Booty candy? Uhm, no honey. The last thing that’s coming out of your ass, after you done knocked back those chili nachos, is candy (unless you consider your excrement to be fudge pops or something). In addition I hate, hate, HATE, it when a dude says, “Chile, I saw a man so fine he made me moist!” Can you say EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW? Uhm, look, if you’re moist back there–sans working up a sweat–then you need to seek immediate medical attention (or invest in depends undergarments). Sweetie, that is NOT the LOOK.
Furthermore, I could see calling your asshole something akin to a “pussy” or “kitty cat” if no one else, but gay men who
assume the bottom position, had an asshole. However, EVERYONE–including women–have assholes. Hell, I think cock roaches have assholes too. That region of your body is not distinctive. So, why steal “pussy” from the ladies? Chile, you ain’t Beyonce. Your asshole is not a Kitty Cat, end of story.
Granted, I’m not up here preaching. If you are convinced your ass is a pussy then do you boo boo. I just don’t get it.
Anyway, I apologize for sounding crass (oh my god I’ve never sworn that much in my life, haha)but this was on my mind(lol).
With L-O-V-E…
Sincerely,
Toddy English.