@$$ Is Not The New Vagina

 

Rumpalicious!

Dear Friends:

I’m having a huge problem lately. I’m still trying to figure out why so many gay men (well those of the bottom persuasion that is) refer to their rectal orfices (okay @$$holes) by such endearing nicknames like: Boi pussy, kitty cat, boogina, mangina, and etc al? Since when did ass become the new vagina?

Moving right along…

Okay, so whenever my good acquaintance and I delve into raunchy sex conversations (well, it’s mainly him. I am so demure when it comes to frank sex talk in public, lol) he’ll jokingly say, “Gwarl, when is the last time you had yo pussy cat stroked?”  Of course that particular inquiry is always good for a chuckle; however, I’m often left standing with the metaphorical glaring neon question mark floating above  head. It makes no sense why anyone would compare their ass to actual genitalia. Moreover, why would a grown man relate his ass to lady parts?

I guess I’m not very imaginative in this instance. I only call my ass an: ass, booty (my favorite. The word literally means ‘treasure’), bum, rump, golden humps, or rectum (pretty much all of the slang terms that I know for that region of my anatomy). I’ve honestly, even in the heat of passion, never been compelled to say, “Ooh daddy take dat boi pusssssy!” That’s just gives me the all over heebie jeebies. Don’t let me be misunderstood now…I love being talked dirty too (LUV IT); but there is certainly a line I draw in the proverbial sand. You can call me a ‘B’ word if it’s hot like that; but you start saying “give me some pussy” then that is a turn off for real(well just make sure I don’t hear you).  

To me the mere idea makes me feel like I’m totally emasculating myself. I already know that being more “bottomly inclined” comes with a tremendous amount of stigma (even in gay society). However, I take no shame in it. It is how pleasure is derived for me. I simply refuse to compare my body, a man’s body, to that of a woman’s. I think women are beautiful. I’m just not one of them. Which is why I don’t understand the need to nickname your ass with a colorful descriptor generally used to describe the pleasure zones of a woman.

One guy I know refers to his rump as ”booty candy.” Are you kidding me? Booty candy? Uhm, no honey. The last thing that’s coming out of your ass, after you done knocked back those chili nachos, is candy (unless you consider your excrement to be fudge pops or something). In addition I hate, hate, HATE, it when a dude says, “Chile, I saw a man so fine he made me moist!” Can you say EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW? Uhm, look, if you’re moist back there–sans working up a sweat–then you need to seek immediate medical attention (or invest in depends undergarments). Sweetie, that is NOT the LOOK.

Furthermore, I could see calling your asshole something akin to a “pussy” or “kitty cat” if no one else, but gay men who assume the bottom position, had an asshole. However, EVERYONE–including women–have assholes. Hell, I think cock roaches have assholes too. That region of your body is not distinctive. So, why steal “pussy” from the ladies? Chile, you ain’t Beyonce. Your asshole is not a Kitty Cat, end of story.

Granted, I’m not up here preaching. If you are convinced your ass is a pussy then do you boo boo. I just don’t get it.

Anyway, I apologize for sounding crass (oh my god I’ve never sworn that much in my life, haha)but this was on my mind(lol).

With L-O-V-E…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.