Taylor Lautner (Count Down To February): Future Gorgeous Guy Spotlight

 

Dear Friends:

Taylor Lautner is going to be 18 (legal) in February. So I’ll wait until then to shine the spotlight on him. Honey, if I did it now I would feel like a total PERVERT. He’s young enough to be my little brother!

Toddy English.

This would have NEVER happened To Dubya (White House Gala Crashers)

Dear Friends:

In case you haven’t heard two looney toons (The Salahi’s) crashed a prestigious affair, an annual White House gala (The ultimate VIP place to be). They may have thought it was hilarious but as far as I’m concerned both her and her fuddy duddy lookin husband need to be locked up.  Y’know, the blatant disrespect levied against THIS President is no longer shocking to me. It is just outright apalling. This has probably NEVER happened to a sitting President in recent history. YET, it happens to our first BLACK President (who has recieved 400% more death threats than any other President in History). If I were involved in the investigation I would find out if any of the Secret Service agents had any ties to the KKK or any other white power militia movements, seriously. According to the news media these peoples names were NOT on the invitation list. Moreover, they were double checked and still unverified. So, why in the hell were they allowed into the party where they hob knobbed with: Joe Biden (the second in command to the President), Rahm Emmanuel, and various other heads of state (who basically run the damn country)? These people could have been ANY type of crazy person with shoe bombs or something…Yet, they were able to get in? And adding insult to injury they were ANNOUNCED (much like a shiek or something)? Oh my god I know there are too many crazy extremists who were probably waiting for an oppurtunity to get that close (They shook Mr. Obama’s hand. Imagine if one of them was a crazy tea bagger with a fork?). I’m sorry but heads need to ROLL over this. If  this were 15th century England King Henry the 8th would have COLLECTED their heads. Fortunately, we no longer exercise justice with a guillotine’ however, all parties involved should be punished. This was inexcusable…I don’t care how cute Mrs. Salahi’s dress was. It makes me wonder if the first family is in fact SAFE? I’m not religious but I’m actually going to pray for the Obama family.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

 

Morris Chestnut (Sexshull Chocolate! Sexshull Chocolate!)Reloaded: Gorgeous Guy Spotlight

Dear Friends:

I shined the spotlight on Mr. Chestnut approximately one year ago; however, I MUST do so again. See,  since then he’s been cast as a series regular on the new ABC show  ’V’ (A new rendering of the original television miniseries). Needless to say I’ve been borderline obsessed and watch the show faithfully! Oh my goodness he is so incredibly sexy as Ryan Nichols, a “visitor” alien disguised as a human being (who is trying to thwart the insidious efforts of his alien brethren). Chile, I wish they would have written him as a gay alien…That way I could have auditioned for the role of love interest. Yes chile, Morris is a big hunk of luscious chocolate (and I have a sweet tooth for the dark skinned bois, mmmmhmmm!) but what I find MOST attractive about him is his intensity. It is rare when you see an actor so committed to his craft. Morris embodies every role he portrays. He really doesn’t get enough credit as being an actor’s actor. I really do enjoy him and hope that the new ‘V’ series doesn’t meet the fate of quality science fiction on network television (e.g. swift cancellation). Anyway, these are all pictures of him on ‘V.’ Gawjus dahling gawjus! Love him!

Toddy English.

A Day of Gratitude…

Dear Friends:

Today, I am very thankful. The meaning of this holiday is so much more significant to me now than ever before (and it isn’t about food either). As I type this I’m going to try and keep it cute because it’s always emotional speaking on the previous series of unfortunate events that occurred in my life just over a year ago. Last year, on this date, I really thought my mother was going to die. I was seriously bracing for, what felt like, the inevitable. She seemed to be getting sicker and sicker by the day. It was a horrible period. I felt: lonely, sad, lost, humiliated, afraid, and defeated…

What a difference a year can make, no?

Today I feel completely victorious. In a manner of speaking I feel reborn. My mother is healthy and happy again. I am healthy and happy again. Moreover, in less than three weeks, I’ll be completing my graduate program (and just three years ago I dropped out of school with only eighteen credit hours left on my BA). Sometimes I think back to that time and wonder, “How in the hell am I still here?”  Yet, when that thought pops into my head it is followed by “thank you.” Sometimes it pays to not even wonder why and just be thankful. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. None of us are exempt. All we can ever do is push through it. All things good and bad eventually come to an end. Be grateful for everything and everyone in your life. Most important of all be grateful to yourself. No matter what you ALWAYS have yourself.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

 

Dude, Where’s My Hover board? (Things I Thought We’d have by 2010)

Dear Friends:

As a wee lad I always thought  by the year 2000 we’d have flying skateboards like Marty Mcfly in Back To The Future 2. However, as 2010 makes its way around the bend not very much has changed. Yeah, we have plasma screen televisions but I was sorta expecting us to literally have the capacity to insert ourselves into a three dimensional hologram of our favorite films.

Anyway, here are ten things that I thought we’d have by 2010…

1.) Hover boards – Every since I saw Back To The Future Two I’ve always wanted one. When I was little I rode skateboards ALL the time.

2.) Flying Cars – I thought by now they’d be common place and run on electricity or air. However, we’re still driving around in gas guzzlers and trying to perfect smart cars…BUMMER.

3.) Asexual procreation – Not really that fun but I thought we’d be that advanced…

4.) House hold robots – I always thought everyone would have a Rosie (The Jetsons) and Irona (Richie Rich) lying around the house)…I’m still hoping that they try and create technology to create sexy androids like Gigolo Joe (Jude Law) in AI.

5.) Light Sabers

6.) Space Travel for vacations – I always thought we’d be partying on Uranus by now (stop laughing gays) and hob knobbing on the starship enterprise.

7.) First contact with Aliens (especially sexy ones like Mr. Spock) - Yeah, everyone says they’ve seen them…But uhm I want them to announce themselves to the public like on ‘V’ and ‘Alien Nation’ and come live among us (sans any nefarious intentions).

8.) Time Travel – under the stipulation that we could NEVER interfere with previous events…

9.) Automated Soldiers – That way we can fight wars without human blood shed.

10.) A black President – One down…nine left to go…

Honorable Mentions…

Pet Wookies

Advanced Holographic projection (that literally let us believe we’re sitting courtside at an NBA basketball game)

Toddy English.

Prank Call To Target (LMAO)

         

Dear Friends:

One of my lungs damn near collapsed watching this. The Hodge Twins are so funny! (lol) I can’t believe they maintained it that long! I would have burst into laughter the minute I said the bathroom smelled like ass…ROFL!

Toddy English

Dennis Rodman? Uhm…Ew.

Dear Friends:

Is it just me or does Dennis Rodman look like he has every single STD in a med student’s handbook? Y’know, during his younger years, everyone just said he was going through a phase; however, now dude is pushin up on 50. His behavior is to be pitied. I really hope he doesn’t overdose or anything.

Dennis Rodman is no stranger to controversy. The former NBA star is a legend in the league for his on-court skill but a deity of sorts in the media for his outlandish antics.

While competing in a “USA Legends of Basketball” exhibition game in the small town of Trier, Germany, the man that wore a wedding dress to his own wedding found himself unable to leave the country after throwing a party as neglecting to pay for it.

According to local prosecutor Jurgen Bauer, the hotel in which Rodman was staying agreed to pay for his overnight stay, but refused to pick up the alcohol tab for the night. Rodman and his guests consumed $5,100 in beverages at the shindig.

Local police stooped the b-ball great on the highway, pulling over his stretch limo and holding him within the country until the all of his debts were paid. Eventually all money owed was paid, as well as an extra $2,500, which was meant to dismiss any legal action that may result from the incident.

 

The American Music Awards

Dear Friends:

I watched the AMA’s last night. It was actually pretty entertaining…

The Good…

1.) Janet Jackson – Now, THIS is the Janet that I love. She was on point. Girlfriend ain’t lost a step; and she looks and sounds better than she did twenty years ago. Janet didn’t go on one of her grueling exercise regimes to get a rock hard body…I’m thinking that she’s finally realized how beautiful she is naturally. Good for her. She did a medly of all her greatest hits. Loved it, loved it, and LOVED IT. If you get the chance buy Janet’s “Number 1’s” There ain’t just one legend in the Jackson family!

2.) Alicia Keys – Alicia is my GIRL! Both of her performances were excellent and she was in FINE vocal form. First she killed  it with “New York” (featuring Jay Z) and then the second performance was a single off the latest album “The Element of Freedom.” Honey, I listen to anything with Alicia Keys. Please believe I’m going to buy the next one. Loved her last night.

3.) Lady Gaga – So help me when Lady Gaga comes to my city I’m am GOING to her show. As usual her onstage routine was avant garde art. Lady Gaga is going to ALWAYS give PERFORMANCE.  Moreover, vocally, she is sensational as well. I think the show always detracts from the fact that Lady Gaga is a great singer… Loved her.

4.) Beyonce won an award! I forgot what it was for but damn if I care…I just love her (haha)

5.) Mike’s Post humous award for best male Pop/Rock artist. He didn’t make any new singles this year but it’s Michael Jackson. you have to give it up. Over half of the people in that auyditorium were influenced by him in some capacity.

The Mediocre…

1.) Rihanna – Okay, I don’t know if I’m gonna buy Rated R. If that song was the best that Ri-Ri had to offer than I’m going to keep spinning Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded. However, loved the outfit, hair, and the whole performance. She was Lady Gagaesque..  I was hoping she would perform Russian Roulette.

2.) Adam Lambert – And the obligatory controversy of the night (which I did not think was controversial at all) was Adam Lambert’s performance “For Your Entertainment.” Again, I was dissappointed because this song does nothing for Adam’s phenomenal voice. It sounds like a Meatloaf reject. As it is, like Rihanna, he looked GREAT (loved the suit, hair, and rings) and is a natural performer. However, recently, he has been met by controversy with people being offended that he did a lot of sexually suggestive dance moves…

Okay, I wonder if this had been women would this have even been an issue. I remember years back when–on the VMAS(Not the AMAS Whoopi Goldberg)–Madonna lip locked with Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. That was celebrated; however, a man–a gay man at that–gives a sexually suggestive performance (which was not pornographic at all) and suddenly they want him drawn and quartered. This all comes down to America’s sexism and homophobia. Yes, Lesbians (who are not lesbians in actuality but straight men’s fantasy of having sex with more than one woman at onetime) can maul each other onstage…But let a gay man show any semblance of being a sexual being (or pushing the envelope) and he is “Controversial.” Yes, there is definite bias. They saw Adam Lambert on American Idol. They’ve seen him on the net kissing dudes and wearing make up and borderline drag. Now there is suddenly a problem with him being risque? C’mon now…

The Bad…

1.) Whitney Houston – Lawd hammercy I feel so BAD for writing this. I want to root for Whitney. I want to cheer for Whitney but alas I cannot. Whitney has been lauded for her ability to sing….So tell me WHY was she doing spoken word at the AMA’s? Uhm, she talked all the way through that wack ass song…LOL I apologize Nippy Houston fans! I truly do but she was bad. The Voice is gone.  However, I am just really glad to see that she is looking well and doing well. No matter what you can NEVER take away what she accomplished between 1985-1995.

2.) Beyonce wasn’t there! People, I am addicted to Beyonce. I can’t go a day without seeing her or hearing that voice…lol. More Beyonce!

3.) Taylor Swift winning over Michael Jackson – Nope, I didn’t type that wrong. The most talentless person won over the man who literally changed entertainment. I am mad at Kanye West for the simple fact that he got the little heffa sympathy from all over. Were they serious?! Taylor Swift over Michael Jackson?! WTF???!!!

4.) Jennifer Lopez bustin her ass! That was too funny! I almost felt bad for her before realizing why I never liked her in the first place…She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She has a horrible attitude.

Overall, I thought that show was pretty hot. I changed the channel everytime a country singer came on.

Cheers!

Toddy English.

 

A Whiter Shade of Male: A Letter To Sammy Sosa (By Leonard Pitts Jr.)

Dear Sammy Sosa: 

Are you happy with yourself now? Are you more confident and self-assured? When you look in the mirror, do you like yourself better, now that you are white? 
As you know, photos taken of you at an awards show earlier this month have the whole country talking. Last time we saw you, you were a brown man from the Dominican Republic, star slugger for the Chicago Cubs. Now you are white, facing the camera with a complexion strikingly reminiscent of Dracula’s. 
You claim you’ve been using a skin-softening cream and that it, combined with the bright lights under which the photos were taken, made your face look whiter than it is. Which is an extraordinarily lame excuse. Indeed, if that excuse were a horse, you’d shoot it. 
While it is admirably metrosexual of you to be so concerned with the softness of your skin, I must say: if I slathered something on my face that was supposed to render it tender and it left me looking like the Joker instead, I’d sue. You, on the other hand, are reported to be considering an endorsement deal. “Skin softening” my fanny. “Skin bleaching” is more like it. So I want to know if it’s made you happy, being white, if it’s given you what you felt you lacked. Me, I’d have thought you already had the brass ring by both hands: you were a handsome sports hero, had made beaucoup dollars, had the requisite gorgeous wife. What could be missing? 
Whiteness, apparently. 
You know how transsexuals will sometimes say they never felt at home in their original gender? Was that what it was like for you? Was there always a white man inside you trying to get out? 
Sorry if I can’t relate, Sammy, but I’m a child of the era when James Brown sang, “Say it loud! I’m black and I’m proud!” It was a seminal moment in the history of a nation, which had always taken for granted that negritude and pride were mutually exclusive. Those years found black people shrugging off the idea that they should be judged by what other people deemed beautiful. It was like a butterfly leaving a cocoon … if butterflies wore Afros and dashikis. 
We walked with a brand-new swagger in that era, Sammy, having buried the Negro—and all the attendant connotations of obsequious servitude and knowing your place—for good. From now on, we would be black. “Black is beautiful, baby,” we said. 
And it was possible to believe something fundamental had changed, that the Rubicon had been well and truly crossed.  So you can imagine what a bitter pill the last 20 years or so have been for some of us, what a harsh lesson in the changeability of change. We spent those years watching Michael Jackson use creams and surgery to scrape Africa from his face; listening as “entertainers” made fortunes selling coonish caricatures of black life; cringing as black children decreed academic achievement synonymous with “acting white;” aching as teenage filmmaker Kiri Davis re-enacted the old “doll test” and found black children still choose white dolls as prettier or more desirable than black ones; and fuming as black people clung, stubbornly and stupidly, to the custom of referring to themselves by a certain six-letter epithet that begins with N. 
But I’ll bet you don’t see any of that when you look in the mirror. I’ll bet you don’t see 400 years of internalized inferiority, little girls crying for lack of “good hair,” black folks obsessively categorizing themselves by a color scheme which holds, in the words of the old saying, the lighter, the brighter, the better. 
No, I’ll bet you see a face you’ve always dreamt of seeing—white and smiling you. And I’ll bet you’re not embarrassed in the least. But that’s all right, Sammy. 
I’m embarrassed for you.

Leonard Pitts is one of my FAVORITE columnists. He was on point with this one, big time! Sammy Sosa (as well as the late Michael Jackson) is an embarressment to the Afro Latino (hell, the entire diaspora as well) community. Might as well hold up a sign saying, “Hitler was right!” 

Toddy English.

Sexual Awakening (New Year’s Resolution)

Dear Friends:

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a few days…Been a little busy! I’m trying to knock this final class out (Oh my goodness I am so ready for it to be OVER!). I am so positively thrilled that it’s almost here. 

Speaking of which…

My new year’s resolution is to have more fun. I’ve been all work and hardly ANY play for a minute. So this year, if I have some extra cash, I’m going to take a vacation! Moreover, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to get into another serious relationship just yet. However, I do want to meet cool dudes and have casual affairs. There I said it! I have a basket full of colorful condoms and lubrication and I fully intend to use them up (lol).

After having a one night stand a several days ago I felt reinvigorated, rejuvenated, and inspired. In addition, it gave me cause to pause and ponder about my life. Since I was sixteen I’ve been in some phase of a committed relationship (either entering or leaving). I never really got to explore my sexuality without having to work at maintaining a monogamous relationship. The last one just left me so confused and discombobulated. Now, I would like to have casual sex just for sex’s sake. Granted, I don’t wanna knock down every guy in sight but instead of a another boyfriend I would, for the time being, like a homeboy(s) with privileges!

I used to be afraid to even consider such a notion because I didn’t wanted to labeled as a ho (lol). Now, I don’t think you have to be a ho to be secure, free, and sexually expressive. It’s just about being a young healthy person and not wanting to just sit up and wait for “THE ONE” all the time. Look, damn that. This is just how I feel right now! And I shan’t apologize! (lol).

I’ve been Carrie and Charlotte for quite sometime…Right now I wanna be Samantha (okay, that is extreme. A lesser version of Samantha. That woman is a human petris dish)!

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

P.S.

Please don’t think this is going to become some debaucherous porn blog now!  NO…WAY. I am a proper English gentlemen afterall! =0)