Back To The Middle: Agnosticism and Spirituality

Dear friends:

Those of you who’ve been with me for a minute know all about my struggles and trials regarding religion (particularly the judeo Christian concept) and my constantly evolving views and beliefs.

When I initially began my blog I was hardcore Atheist. However, I came to the realization (as I was initially loathe to do) that my feelings originated from a place of hurt (if you read my coming out story and other postings you would know why). Therefore, I began seeking definitive answers in other religious faiths. However, by then, after delving into science and evolution (I love Darwin), in my efforts to determine the origins of the world and the meaning of life (in general and my own in particular) I could no longer base a belief on faith in ancient mythologies. I was Neo and I’d seen the outside of the Matrix.

So, in order to give my poor head a break, I put this issue on the shelf for a minute. Then, for whatever reason, I started attending church again (a gay affirming, non denominational, Christian church) and found myself enjoying it. I thought to myself, “Maybe I do believe again?” Yet, the moment I tried reading the bible, in context, I knew I was still a heathen. Then it dawned on me that I still found a certain level of comfort and inspiration in those pages (except for all that sexist and homophobic stuff). I no longer cared so intensely about the idea of an anthropomorphized personal God. My sabbatical away from God and religion was the best thing I could ever have done for myself. Now, whenever I listen to the pastor I am inspired by the message, yes; however, I automatically tune out all the supernatural aspects of the sermon. When I walk away from church I feel just as fulfilled simply because the message was applicable to me in some significant way. When you strip back all of the pomp and circumstance of religion all pastors are self help gurus. I appreciate that now and take it for what it is.

I’ve not prayed to a God in ages. I’ve not felt this overwhelming need to develop this connection to a God either.  Yet, I write in my gratitude journal, meditate, and remain aware of everything and everyone around me. Sometimes, I’ll even sit in my dark closet just to make my world quiet. I’ve found extreme enlightenment in those rituals.

I’m not sure either way whether there is or isn’t a God in the universe. I really don’t know. And I think it’s cool to just not know somethings. I’d like to believe there is something (or someone)out there who knows all, sees all, and hears all. Yet, I’m just as enamored–and comfortable–with the possibility that, as Dr. Pangloss stated in Voltaire’s Candide, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” Moreover, I’ve learned to connect and relate spiritually to the world around me without having to kneel before a God (well unless the God in question is Mehcad Brooks…teeheehee. Uhm totally blasphemous but…uhm…yeah). Anyway, even though I no longer believe in a God, per say, I still find peace and enlightenment within all the religions, and belief systems, of the world. Moreover, I love to implement those principles into my everyday life. Whether it be: Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Wiccanism, Hinduism (one I’ve found particular interest in lately), or New Age (e.g. astrology, tarot cards, and etc al)…

In Wiccanism there is a proverb that states, “If it harm none do what thou wilt.” Essentially, what that signifies is that if your beliefs and practices do not cause harm to others (but uplifts instead) then it is a good thing. My goal in life has always been to be a really good person. I live by that every single day. Most important of all I try to be good because I want to be…Not because I fear any divine reprisal of some sort. I want to live my life as a creator, not a destroyer. I’ve realized that I don’t need to follow a religious stricture to accomplish that. As the Dali Lama says, “My religion is kindness.”

Don’t get me wrong I still see the magic within the universe. I’ve never had this nihilistic view that we’re all born, live, and die (that just seems really boring). True, there are tons of biological/scientific reasons for the meaning of life. However, I constantly wonder why does life have meaning at all? Why does everyone and everything fight to preserve life? In my opinion the universe itself is a living entity. We have life because it wants to live. We are all just extensions of the universe being alive. Is the universe a thinking entity or is it just LIFE in all of it’s splendor(Just a question I have and I don’t care if I ever truly know)? Once I  read somewhere that some of our molecular structure is composed of star dust. That’s why I like to think that when I die I’ll become a star or something (haha). I’ll forever be able to watch the many galaxies and universes… 

As it is I feel thankful just to be alive everyday. Instead of caring so intensely about what’s going to happen to me when I die (whether it be an afterlife or an eternal slumber) I’ve learned to love every single day that I’m here on this planet. It is really special to have a life. Everyone and everything wants to live. I truly believe that we all have a purposeful life, regardless of what we believe (or don’t). My belief is that every religion is an extension of one truth…Life. Life for me is the truth.

So yeah…

I don’t know whether or not there’s a: Yahweh, Jesus, Allah, Zeus, Poseidon, and etc al. Yet, I don’t find fault in anyone who does worship and celebrate those deities either. Whatever enables you to cope with the world surrounding you is wonderful. However, what I do ask is that you don’t hate on me–or others–who don’t share those views.

I chose the song “Comeback To The Middle” by India Arie because that statement reflects where I am right now. I’ve reached my positive center. I’ve finally found the balance that I need in terms of my own views on the idea of religion and Deity.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Beware the Whompa Domps!

 

Dear Friends:

Do you know what a Whompa Domp is? No? Alright, I thought so. Don’t worry it’s just my own silly made up terminology for a very serious issue.

A Whompa Domp is anyone, anything, or any situation that is toxic to you and for you. If you’re relating to a person that makes you feel bad whenever you’re near him or her and, for the life of you, cannot fathom why then chances are you’ve encountered a whompa domp.

I speak from experience. I’ve encountered a multitude of whompa domps and whenever I defeated one another always rose up to take his place. Often times I stopped to wonder, “Why are all of these whompa domps coming into my life?”  Then, just recently, the realization set in that I was inviting people like this to come dwell on my planet. By simply being a passive spectator in my own life (and in my own choices) I allowed whompa domps to enter, occupy, and nearly takeover.

You cannot blame a whompa domp for being a whompa domp. A whompa domp is a whompa domp just like a snake is a snake. You can feed a cobra; however, don’t be apalled when it bites you. It’s a cobra not a Pomeranian.

There has been a whompa domp in my life (Guy. If you don’t remember him you can scan past postings) that I’ve been exorcising. This week will make the second week in a row that I’ve not seen him. I’ll speak to him over the phone, occasionally, but even our marathon phone calls have all but ceased. In church today I vacated before he knew I was there. It made me feel bad on the inside; however, I’m just doing what I need to do in order to leave this relationship. Guy always made me feel: bad, guilty, trapped, depressed, and just out and out anxious. I had never been that kind of person until I met him. But, like all whompa domps, you won’t know them unless you’re really looking.

Now, as I continue to detox from the spectre of that “friendship”(which was nothing but a parasitic relationship…him feeding on me) I felt the need to share this (from too much experience in this particular arena)…

You can’t save a person that does not want to be saved. No matter how hard you try you cannot make a whompa domp not be a whompa domp. My counselor taught me this and it finally sank in.

I know better now…

Really, I was using Guy just like he was using me. In a perverse way I felt somewhat in control because I could do things for him that he could not do for himself. It made me feel special and loved (which was alternately masochistic), no matter that he ALWAYS needed something (and was in my grille’ 24/7/365) from me. Pretty soon I would become bitter, sad, angry, and depressed…The cycle between us was nothing but toxicity. That’s when I decided to break the chain completely.  

My major disappointment was that I set out to make new friends this year. Yet, it did not turn out as well as I had hoped. However, I am thankful that I got this lesson so early in my life.

The reason I kept getting into friendships like these is because the pattern of behavior is familiar to me. If you’ve read ANY of my previous passages you’ll know that my family always exhibited maladaptive behavior. So, when I’m around dysfunctional people it sometimes feels “normal” to me. Now, with all the counseling I’ve undergone in the past few years, I see it for what it is. I can’t abide people that make me feel bad anymore. It is no longer normal to me. Therefore, I’ll always be aware and in the moment when it comes to making new friends and cultivating relationships. I want to be around individuals that are positive motivating forces within my life. Moreover, instead of allowing my “friends” to pick me I’ll choose my friends with wisdom and care. I’m going to be a lot more selective about whom I allow into my life, on a personal level.

So, if you think you have a whompa domp (e.g. Toxic friendship or relationship) in your life just answer a few questions…

1.) Do you feel depressed/anxious (even physically tired) when you’re with your friend?

2.) Does it feel like you’re going to a job that you HATE whenever you and your friend are scheduled to hang out?  

3.) Does your friend consistently make you feel guilty whenever you cannot spend the lion’s share of your time with him or her?

4.) Does your friend always have something negative to say about everything? Moreover, does he or she always dump on your shoulder but never, ever, EVER, allow you the same courtesy?

5.) Is your friend disrespectful of your time  (e.g. in spite of you telling them you have to go to work at 8:00 am they keep you on the phone until 2)?

6.) Has your friend ever made a pass at your boyfriend or girlfriend? Moreover, is it a common occurrence?

7.) Do you find yourself constantly trying to reevaluate and change your own behavior  so as to make your friend happy with you?

8.) Does your friend always have drama with someone else? Moreover, is there an extensive history of “musical friends” (i.e. the friend version of musical chairs)?

9.) Calls you constantly to talk about nothing…

10.) Does your friend have very low self esteem and confidence? Moreover, does he or she try to belittle you (in subtle ways) about yourself?

11.) Is your friend constantly “selling” his or herself to you (e.g. always overplaying their experience, intellect, and etc al)?

12.) Does your friend want and demand ALL of your time and energy? Moreover, do you feel as though you committed a felony when you tell them no?

13.) Is your friend into illegal shit and want you to get involved with them?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then my dear…You have a whompa domp in your midst. Do yourself a favor and begin an exit strategy.

Granted, it will be difficult, especially if you become extremely close to the whompa domp in question. However, think about what this relationship is doing to you personally. Ask your non toxic friends and family members how the person in question has effected you.

We deserved to be happy, fulfilled, safe, and validated in our interpersonal relationships. Please, allow yourself the honor and dump your whompa domp.

I’ll be taking my own advice from now on.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

I think I’m In this Blogging Thing for the long haul…

Dear friends:

A number of my favorite bloggers have called (and will call) it quits on their blogs. No matter how many times it happens I always get a bit misty because, through their writing, it feels like I’ve been a little fly on the wall of their lives. And when you get to know someone on that level you’re always sad to see them go…

It made me think about my own blog. I really do think I’m going to keep my blog up for a really, really, REALLY, long time. Today–after I got a lot of things done (enjoy the last few hours of my vacation)–I sat down and actually read some of my old blog posts. I was sorta stunned. In only a year and a half I’ve grown and changed so much (for the better I think). So, I just think it will be really cool when I’m 66 (and fabulous, wearing dapper suits)to log on and see who I was at 26 (haha). I normally never read my own stuff (unless I need to correct errors), but just seeing how some of my thoughts have evolved since taking on this endeavor is almost hilarious…

So, I’m not promising I’ll be blogging forever…

But uhm I will be here for a long ass time. haha.

Cheers!

Toddy English

Human Nature (Michael Jackson Live!)

         

Dear friends:

Human Nature is my FAVORITE Michael Jackson song. It is a master piece (in my opinion). In this video Mike is performing live and he is just on POINT! My one regret in life will be never seeing a live Michael Jackson performance.

Get into this for real!

Toddy English

Aaliyah (Final Footage from The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions)

             

             

Dear Friends:

This is final footage from Aaliyah’s final performance in The Matrix Sequels. The role eventually went to Nona Gaye (Marvin’s little girl); however, we get a tiny glimpse at what may have been.

Still love you Baby girl…

Toddy English.

Dancin, Dancin, Dancin Machine (Watch me get down!): Taking Up Ballroom Dancing…

Dear Friends:

I’ve decided to take the plunge. I’m going to take up ballroom dancing as a graduation present to myself.

Seeing as I love music and dance this would be the perfect outlet for my energies. Yo, I wanna be like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever great. I love the excitement of dancing to music and getting lost in the rhythm. Now, I wanna learn to make it into an art form.

I am excited about this, for real. I’ve found a dance studio that is near me and everything. They’ll probably have me dancing with girls but I don’t care (lol). 

Great thing about dance is that its fun and a great cardio work out. Damn the gym and the monthly payments.

Cheers!

Toddy English.

Godwin’s Law and President Obama.

“Godwin’s Law (also known as Godwin’s Rule of Nazi Analogies) is a humorous observation made by Mike Godwin in 1990 which has become an Internet adage. It states: “As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches… Godwin’s Law is often cited in online discussions as a deterrent against the use of arguments in the widespread reductio ad Hitlerum form. The rule does not make any statement about whether any particular reference or comparison to Adolf Hitler or the Nazis might be appropriate, but only asserts that the likelihood of such a reference or comparison arising increases as the discussion progresses. It is precisely because such a comparison or reference may sometimes be appropriate, Godwin has argued, that overuse of Nazi and Hitler comparisons should be avoided, because it robs the valid comparisons of their impact.” (para 1, 2009)

Dear Friends:

Godwin’s Law sums up the petty health care debate (or lack thereof) complete with a pretty pink ribbon. Simply because critics of the President cannot find anything remotely corrupt or divisive about his policies they’ve resorted to the lowest common denominator… The Nazis. The best way to lose an argument (and still believe you’ve won it) is to start bandying about Hitler’s Nazi party as a basis for comparison. Hell, Hitler’s name has been invoked so much he’s become a cliche’…A genocidal maniac is now a cliche! Are you kidding me?

However, the consequences of Godwin’s Law, in conjunction with the health care debate, go even further…Dare I say they’ve become dire?

Every time Godwin’s Law is applied to a debate another holocaust victim is rendered insubstantial. What do I mean by that? It really is quite simple. You can’t compare the President of The United States wanting universal health care reform to a barbarian who wanted to kill over half the world’s populace simply because they didn’t have blond hair, blue eyes, and Jesus. When I think about Hitler the only thing that comes to mind is: death, destruction, murder, terror, slavery, genocide, injustice, and evil. Whenever the comparison is made I wonder whether or not we are still capable of grasping the enormity of the holocaust?

The Nazis enacted whole scale genocide and nearly wiped an entire ethnic group (Jewish people) off the face of the planet. Moreover, they murdered: LGBT’s, Blacks (which is why calling a black man a Nazi sounds patently retarded), political prisoners (last time I checked we didn’t take political prisoners in America. We are a Democracy), and even the disabled (Seeing as we have disabled Americans in ever facet of our society I don’t see how this is even remotely akin to Hitler’s Germany).

To refer to the President of The United States(the leader of a free industrialized nation) as a Nazi is repulsive (In my opinion it should be considered treasonous. I never referred to Bush as a Nazi and I couldn’t stand his ass). This isn’t the exercising of free speech. It’s divisive rhetoric, nothing more. Oh, it’s also racist and stupid. Whenever someone compares the President of The United States to Adolph Hitler–and I’ll reiterate a former point–you look like a fucking RETARD (Totally vulgar and uncouth but no doubt apropos). Again, can ANYONE who boldly makes this claim fathom the magnitude of such a comparison? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?!

Juxtaposing the image of a President who wants to improve the quality of life for ALL Americans alongside a murderous dictator who willingly condemned: men, women, and children to death because of who and WHAT they were is just insane. Is anyone in this country in any danger of being forcibly interned? Are we discriminating against people based on religion (Fundie Christians…Please…Silence. Just because you’re no longer allowed to blatantly hate the gays does not mean you are being persecuted. Please, just shut up now)? I’m willing to say no and no. Furthermore, reiterating a previous point AGAIN, how stupid does one sound calling a BLACK MAN a Nazi?! To quote the movie Heathers, “VERY.” Obama has been–in the span of a year–a covert Islamic terrorist, an illegal alien, a terrorist sympathizer, a black panther, and now the second coming of Adolph Hitler. What next? The Anti-Christ? Oh wait, he’s been labeled that too…Uhm, nevermind.

As it is I don’t care whether you agree with the President or not (I for one am backing him to the hilt on this. Health care should be a human RIGHT not a privilege); but please stop and think about what you are saying before you say it. Words and images are powerful devices. They can cause harm. Moreover, we do a grave disservice to the millions upon millions of victims who died at Hitler’s feet. Freedom of speech should not be abused. It is a privilege and responsibility because not everyone has…Another reason we are not even close to being in Nazi Germany.

Tell you what…

Next time you refer to President Obama as a Nazi please take a stroll through your local Holocaust museum and THEN continue draw parallels; And, if there isn’t a holocaust museum in your city then rent “Schindler’s List” or “The Pianist.”

Lastly…

I’ve stopped watching the news. It is officially the end of candid and courteous discourse in the United States. All of the rancor and vitriol is disgusting. Moreover, I’ve finally seen why other countries refer to us as “boorish” and “bratty.” Simply because “Change” didn’t happen at the speed of light we’ve now become a nation of Judases who willfully compare a difference of policy to egregious acts of genocide and degradation.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Inglourious Negroes?

Dear Friends:

I was just thinking about the movie “Inglourious Basterds .” The plot of the story gave me reason to pause, ponder, and question.  Would Hollywood producers have EVER given the go ahead to an African American version of Inglourious Basterds?

For those who haven’t seen the movie Inglourious Basterds is a fictionalized account of a Jewish American battalion (during WWII), led by the so NOT Jewish Brad Pitt, whose sole mission is to brutally torcher Nazis to death.

Again, this never happened but Tarantino’s ultimate motivation wasn’t historical accuracy. It was revenge, pure and simple, “In all of the holocaust movies I’ve ever seen Jews are always the victims…I just wanted to show a different side.” Basically, this is a Jewish tale of retribution against history’s most vile villains. People just like to see Nazis suffer and die (and rightfully so).

Yet, let’s flip this and replace the Nazis with: Antebellum slave owners, overseers, and KuKluxKlan members. Would such a script even be CONSIDERED as a potential Hollywood screenplay?

Rhetorical question. I know it wouldn’t.

Inglourious Basterds is a completely fictionalized account; but, the stories of Toussaint L’ouverture and Nat Turner are still languishing in development hell. If there can be a movie about William Wallace (Braveheart) why not biopics about the former two? Why can’t the fight for freedom span color lines? Or are they afraid that modern day African Americans will start a race war in an effort to engender reparations?

Anyway, the movie just made me think about that “what if” scenario.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Trey Songz (Sexy Songbird): Gorgeous Guy Spotlight

Dear Friends:

Okay I confess. I’ve never heard a single tune by Trey Songz. Yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll remedy that (I heard he’s pretty good) eventually. However, just because I’ve never heard his music don’t mean I can’t appreciate the visuals, right? Uhm, Trey is so HANDSOME! He’s got that “around the way boy” thing happening that I love. He’s definitely urban sophisticate in his style, and the pectorals are so on point. Love his smile too! He’s a gorgeous one for sure!

Toddy English.

Mehcad Brooks (The God Reloaded): Gorgeous Guy Spotlight

Dear friends:

I’ve decided to shine the spotlight on my future husband Mehcad Brooks, again. Now, you have to be majorly hot to not only end up under the glare but to also do it twice! Chiiiiiile, uhm, Mehcad is just GAAAWJUS! I love him. In these recent pictures he was running a triatholon for somethin (hell if I know. Damn if I care what it was for), and he just so happened (as usual) to have his shirt off (while sweating profusely). Not to sound nasty but I’d lick all the sweat off his brawny chest! Yeah I said it. Uhm, he is sooooo fine! I can’t wait to see the second season of True Blood!