I have a question for you. Why do feminine traits and tendencies within the male species bother people so much? I’m not even speaking about the highly flamboyant lads (e.g. the chaps who live their lives emulating female runway models) either. I’m speaking of the regular bloke who might have a: rolling “s” sound when he speaks; a slight pep in his step and a glide in the stride; or animated hand gestures. It seems as though femininity, even in the smallest increments, draw the ire of straight and gay men alike, particularly those of the “masculine” variety.
Recently, I went on another date. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I’m not all caught up in pursuing a new boyfriend. After my string of bad dates I figure, “meh, screw it…When it happens it’ll happen”. Yet, I am not one to pass up a potentially fun night out…Sooooo…
I met someone on a more reputable website this time. Well, he saw my profile and said he thought I was really cute. So he told me he would e-mail me his picture. He did. I was smitten. He looked just like Michael Jordan ::Toddy bites his index finger:: I’m not kidding. He was bald and had a very nice smile. Plus, he was the hue of bitter sweet chocolate (Toddy has a weakness for the chocolatey ones). Not to mention he was really tall (bonus).
Anyway, to make a long story short, we went on a date. It went swimmingly (so I thought); however, he didn’t call me back. So, I called him the next day. That is when he told me, “Look man I think you are a handsome cat but we wouldn’t be compatible…You are not masculine enough for me.”
Dead air. Blank stare.
I was stunned. That really did leave me speechless.
So I basically grilled him. He saw all of my pictures and talked to me on the phone for a week and suddenly I’m not “masculine” enough for him?
He went onto say that in his profession (he told me he worked for law enforcement. I guess he was a cop) he couldn’t afford to let people know that he’s gay. Therefore, if he hung out with me they would suspect something and he could lose his job. But, check this, he said he didn’t mind us being, “homeboys with privileges.” I told him that was NOT what I was seeking and hung up in his face.
Well, I did manage to have a fun time on the date (he paid for everything too). So, that was the one redemptive thing about it.
But I kept thinking about that whole, “not masculine enough” spiel. Look, I admit that I’m no Navy Seal. If I had to categorize myself I’d be the quintessential Metrosexual (like Ryan Seacrest), not a brazen fem nor a hyper masculine brotha…Just in the middle (the proverbial happy medium). I dress like a man with stylish flair. I moisturize and exfoliate. And when I get really comfortable in a conversation my wrists have a tendency to sway like broken palm trees. Yeah, I admit it. I have masculine and feminine qualities…And that is just fine with me. I’m really comfortable with myself.
Growing up, however, I used to try and minimize every ounce of visible “gayness” that people perceived. But it was to no avail. No matter how I butched up people always thought I was gay. So I just said, “to hell with it…I’ll have an easier time just being myself.”
Why does it bother people so much? What is so utterly repulsive about any deviation from the “norms” of masculinity?
To me I think it all goes back to internalized homophobia. In my opinion those that are disgusted by the show of “softness” and “fem” traits only put the spotlight on their own insecurities.
Of course that is just my oh so humble opinion.
I don’t get it. We, as gays and lesbians, cry out for equality and acceptance…Yet, we won’t accept each other for who we are.