Lesson Two: Gay Life is NOT One Size Fits All (Toddy E's Journey, Article 2)

Dear Friends:

This is a follow up regarding my therapeutic break through approximately two weeks ago. In the last message I discussed the issue of “settling” (while subsequently scribing a list of all the qualities I’m seeking in a potential romantic counterpart…ah screw it…a Boyfriend) and coming to the realization that I don’t have to. However, that was not the only point we (my counselor and myself) touched upon. The important issues of sex and sexuality were also discussed.

I told my counselor that, even though Bill and I are more compatible as platonic pals, Bill still suggested having sex together. This is a problem because I’m not attracted to Bill in a romantic or sexual way. No matter how I tried to force it, something wasn’t clicking. Bill isn’t an unattractive man. Yet, I just had no sexual arousal for him. I felt bad about that. Afterall, I’m a gay man, right? We’re all supposed to wanna have tons of sex, wherever and with whomever, correct? Some tail is just some tail to gay men, right?

Wrong. Maybe for some but not this one.

Okay, let’s back track for a minute shall we…

A few months ago I was chatting up some guys about this very issue. Anyway, to make a long story short, I stated that some men don’t have sex merely for the sake of having sex (i.e., “I’m horny. You’re horny. Let’s fuck”). Sometimes there is a deeper motivation, not merely a scorching libido. The general response to my comment was, “Oh that’s just a woman thing…” and “We have sex just because we’re horny.” Basically, my rationale was just waved off.

Normally, things like that don’t bother me. However, I actually thought it was something the matter with me for feeling the way I do. Afterall, I am a man too. And men are supposed to be aggressive hunters that go after what they want. Hell, it is certainly Darwinian. Men are hunters and women are nurturers (for rearing young and all that stuff). Men spread seed. Women select which man is appropriate enough to impart his seed upon her. That is supposed to be the order of nature, right?

So, why do I–a dude–feel the desire to have a “connection” with someone in order to feel sexy? Why don’t I feel the compulsion to be hyper promiscuous and “spread my seed” too? Don’t get me all twisted up I do love sex as much as the next man. In fact, I know that I’m a very passionate and sexual person. However, every guy I’ve ever slept with there was always some type of connection, be it: physical, emotional, romantic, psychological, and otherwise. I’ve never even considered laying down with a guy that I didn’t “like” on some level.

My last boyfriend and I slept together on the first date. However, that was because we spent the previous eight hours hanging out. By then my hormones was just going and…the situation felt really right. Yet and still I wasn’t behaving like the “typical gay” who’s supposed to be so amorous that he’ll drop his draws and bend over for any random stud that comes strolling down the pike…

That worried me. It made me feel as though I was inadequate. Again, I’ve a very healthy libido (some days it is REALLY healthy). But the thought of multiple random encounters; anonymous sex; and things of that ilk does not appeal to me in the least. Infact, it scares the shit out of me. I am not that daring. And I don’t want to go hook up with some random guy and wind up another gay tragedy (too many of those).

So, I brought the issue to my counselor. It worried me because it seemed abnormal, due to the expectation of tons of sex in the gay lifestyle.

My counselor reiterated the ages old adage that, “Men get to know a person through having sexual intercourse. Women, on the otherhand, have to get to know someone in order to feel sexual enough to have intercourse…”
She further stated, “But, there are some women who are highly sexual and can be just as amorous as men stereotypically are…Whereas there are men that need to make a connection, be it emotional, physical, or otherwise, to get their juices going.” She told me that I fell into the latter category (along with many other gay men), and that it was perfectly fine and healthy.

In that moment a smile alighted upon my lips. I breathed a sigh of relief. Admittedly, I’ve fooled around in the past. Yet, there was always a connection.
I never had completely random encounters because it always felt unnatural to me. And being apart of gay culture made ME feel unnatural because everything in this lifestyle is predicated on the pursuit of ass. The gay culture is so intrinsically MALE that if you exhibit any personality traits that deviate from the standard archetype (i.e., tons of debaucherous sex, using crystal meth, alcoholism, living in dance clubs, and, etc.) you are seen as “abnormal” or “sex negative.” Or, worst of all in gay culture, “Fem.”

That part of the session was a true break through for me. It really allowed me to truly inhabit my own skin for the first time. In all honesty if I really need to bust a nut I can do it myself (and it works quite effectively). So, why should I cruise for random sex? Random casual sex holds no allure for me. Now I realize it’s perfectly okay to feel that way.
Just like it is perfectly okay for someone who does enjoy random encounters and high risk PROTECTED sex to do what they do.

This isn’t about judging people insofar as it is embracing our differences. I came to the conclusion that, emotionally, I’m not built up to just fuck around. Many other gay men aren’t either, and I will reiterate…It is perfectly okay. The gay culture tells you that you should fuck around and if you don’t you’re somehow a failure. To me the only time you are a failure is when you aren’t being true to yourself and what feels comfortable to you. It all goes back to  loving and honoring yourself, mind, body, and spirit. If you don’t heed what your heart is telling you then it is bound to be a disastrous situation.

I’m glad I finally had someone validate me, and men like me, in this regard. 

Personally, I attribute my attitude to my orientation. I’m very comfortable being gay. In fact I love being gay (which is helping me learn to love me entirely). Although I’m a man (and love being so) I also have feminine energy that gives me balance and emotional insight. No, I’m not like the typical hot blooded guy, needing to tag every ass in sight. I’m a man who loves sex, true…but I want everything else that comes with it (whether it be straight out physical attraction; the feeling of security; or just that emotional connection).

I look at it as…This dude is gonna see me naked. So I wanna feel him on some level, know what I’m sayin? Basically, this is my body. I’m only going to get one. Therefore, when I give and share love I really need to feel safe and comfortable with that person. Otherwise, I can’t enjoy myself fully.

My good buddy from work, Freddy, is a guy like me. However, not passing judgment upon him (I love Freddy to death), Freddy gives his love away all too freely. Me and him are both openly gay. You ask us we’ll tell you, simple as that. So, the cats up there be comin at us on the regular (I swear our work place is like a gay club on Saturday mornings). Me, I turn down the propositions because I’ve no desire to give hand and blow jobs, on the clock, in a bathroom of all places. Freddy on the otherhand will give dudes hand and blow jobs then come back and tell me about it. However, Freddy never brags. When he regales me with details from his trysts it is more like he’s coming to confessional…

Case in Point: Some random guy comes into our work area the other day. Well, I’m watching Youtube videos and the next thing I know Freddy has disappeared. At first I thought he went to the bathroom. Well, I was correct;  but he didn’t go by himself. When he came back out–ya’ll I’m not lying–I gave him some hand sanitizer because there was a dab of MANyonaise on his cheek (ew).

So after Freddy washed up thoroughly we got into a discussion about his latest conquest. I asked little details (like how big was it. And if he was cute and whatever). But the small talk was fleeting.

Freddy went into this spiel about how he hated doing what he was doing…And the fact that he swallowed the guy scared him so much that he’s going to take an HIV test. He didn’t know dude from Adam and he let him bust in his mouth. I told him he should and that we could go together, for moral support. But I just shook my head and asked him why he CONTINUALLY did that kind of thing…
He just said that he likes giving them pleasure (And that he just doesn’t think when he’s in the moment). It made me feel sad because it says something about you if you let random guys nut on your face (and in your mouth). I hate to sound judgmental, but I could get over the look on his face. He deserves better and he doesn’t realize it.

Freddy represents a lot of guys out there. Some men don’t want to be the way they are but, subconsciously, they feel they need to be in order to fit into the life. And I feel this is why we have so many STD’s in the gay community. Many men feel that, in order to fit into this life, they have to lower their standards and forsake their gut instinct. Even if something doesn’t feel right to them they go along anyway…Just to be accepted. So many people are spiritually and psychologically wounded, thus, they make bad decisions…leading to dire consequences. Promiscuity in the gay community is very real…But the reality it is NOT all due to primal male lust.

One some level everyone wants to feel loved even if it is a goddamn lie. The very thing that we don’t want the straight community to do (judge us according to our sexuality) we do to ourselves. Our sexuality (be it a sexual position, a type, or whatever) begins to define us, when we are already wounded emotionally (by society and each other), and that is why we have so much self destructive behavior going on.

My thing is this…And I definitely had to learn it well. The gay life is what you make it. If lots of random sex with anonymous partners makes you happy and fulfilled then that is your prerogative. Again, I am the LAST person to be sex negative. I know that many people are not built up for long term monogamy. Again, that’s okay…

However, if you’re the opposite and need that connection to be physically intimate then that is just as valid. In order to be healthy, emotionally and physically, you must first cherish your own uniqueness. Don’t fuck around because you feel like you need to in order to be accepted. Because the person you sleep with won’t respect you. You are just another notch in his belt, period. Accept yourself first. You define YOU boo. In Layman’s terms: You are Webster. Your life is YOUR dictionary. You write the terminology. Feel me?

I don’t have to party hard; sleep with hundreds of guys; use drugs; drink; and dress in drag to be a positively gay man. Nor do I have to be defined by the Down Low culture that perpetuates hyper masculinity, fear, and shame. I can just be me and love going shopping, reading, dinner and movie, and tying one on at happy hour…As well as searching for a good boyfriend. And if I’m not feeling a hot guy enough to just jump in bed with him I’ll never second guess my motivations.

I am masculine because of my inner strength, fortitude, resilience, and courage. I am feminine because I’m sensitive, sweet, creative, and caring. All of that is in me; and I’ll never negate any of it no matter what gay or straight culture may dictate in regard to gender “norms.” That session helped me to reach equilibrium. I’m still growing and learning. But the more I get to know myself the more I’m learning to love me in entirety.  To that end I’m making better choices for my life.

So, to all the readers who are gay or questioning, or even heterosexuals that don’t fit traditional gender “norms” and ideals, don’t hang your head. Just know that you aren’t alone in you atypical attitudes towards sex and love.

Love yourself and know your worth. You are all valuable.

Peace.

With Love…
Sincerely,
Toddy English