Random Thoughts: Blogging Is So Absolutely Fabulous!

I’m officially addicted to blogging. Whether I’m reading other blogs or expressing myself on this one I’ve fallen in love with the medium. Where else, but in the blogsphere, can ordinary people write something down and impact the rest of the world?

For me starting my own blog has been nothing short of pure emotional catharsis. Everything I feel strongly about I’ve been able to discuss here sans fear of judgment. In a blog you can just be raw about EVERYTHING…And when you finish writing you feel unburdened.

In the few months I’ve been doing this I’ve been able to reconcile a lot of issues…

One being my internal spiritual/religious conflict. Yes, I’m still an atheist. However, I know that I can be spiritual too. I don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. More importantly, no one gets to define me.

Two being that I never have to settle for less than…

And number three being the ultimate…Honoring my own process. My life is unique, and I don’t have to be like everyone else. I’m special in my own way.

Anyway, I just wanna say to ALL the bloggers out there THANK YOU for sharing your stories with all of us. Many of you inspire me and I’ll probably never meet you in my life! (lol)
And to everyone who reads all of my thoughtful meanderings THANK YOU too. =0)
Keep blogging!

Love Ya…
Sincerely,
Toddy English.

Toddy Is Going Back To Class…

Dear Friends:

I’ve made up my mind. I’m going back to class. I want all the best that life has in store. I am young, healthy, and sane (okay that part is debatable, haha). Therefore, there is no excuse for me NOT to do this.

I’ve recently enrolled in an online university. I’ve checked the BBB, CHEA, and elearners.com. The college is completely legitimate. So I’ve enrolled and my first course begins the 30th of September. I’m kind of nervous, but in the end this will be completely worth it.

Wish me luck in this endeavor!

Sincerely,

Toddy English

I Feel Lovely Today…

Dear Friends:

Today, and for the past few days, I feel absolutely wonderful!

I don’t know what it is to be quite honest. I’ve been through a lot of shit this year: My mother’s illness; bad dates (well not all of them were bad); figuring out the whole religion thing; my horrific job situation; and familial turmoil have plagued me for a minute now. Yet, here I stand, still doing me. Correction: REALLY doing ME now. =0)

I think when we suffer through these bad situations in our lives, and survive them, they fortify our spirits. The tribulations I’ve endured have only helped to make me stronger, wiser, and more resilient…Now, I feel so absolutely good all over (queue the Stephanie Mill’s music here). I have a smile on my face again; and it isn’t fraudulent. Everything that has occurred helped me figure out who I am and what I WANT. For the first time in my life it is all about Toddy. It isn’t for my mother, my family, or some boyfriend. It is all about ME. I realize now that I have the right to truly be happy living my life for me.

That feels so empowering.

I didn’t believe I would make it through all the pain. Yet here I am.

Really, I just wanna say to you all to NEVER get discouraged when life starts beating the living shit out of you (pardon my french).  We all go through it, no one is exempt. Life can beautiful. Life can be cruel. Without cruelty we would not know the gentle side. And once you do drudge through the muck and mire you appreciate the bliss and happiness so much more. Today I am really happy about where my life is headed. I look forward to bigger and better things.

There is nothing you can do about bad times. All you have to do is survive them.

I survived. Now I’m thriving. And, to quote Gospel legend Mahalia Jackson, “Sometimes my soul look back and wonder how I got over…”

Love ya! (I’m forreal too. I don’t just say that!)

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

P.S.

Don’t forget to smile today! It is good for you!

Yes, that was corny as bloody hell but I believe in it…

Neener neener neener!

When Did You Know?: Coming OUT!

Dear Friends:

This week my counselor told me that I was extraordinarily tough and resilient. After I lamented upon the happenings of the previous week (lol) she was–according to her–amazed. Honestly, I just thought the weird shit that happens to me was common place?  ::shrug:: Well, after session ended she asked me, “Where do you feel all of your strength and courage comes from? What was the catalyst for it?”

Me: I think it all fell into place when I came out to myself…

Counselor: For your next assignment I want you to write about When you knew you were gay…

Alright, after that session I automatically flashed back to this episode of Oprah–a few years ago–when there was a book released entitled “When I knew.” It was basically celebrity queers talking about hilarious instances (that I could fully relate to) when they were children, realizing they were gay.

So I thought about my own…

There were several (as I always knew I was “different”)…But there are three definitive moments: The Easter Basket, My cute white boy obsession, and The Macy’s catalog…

1.) The Easter Basket…

When I was a wee lad of seven years old there was an incident with an Easter Basket. To this day I blame the golden easter basket for turning me into the homo that you see before you.

Anyway, every year my mother would make Easter Baskets for kids at our church. She would buy the baskets and candy, set em up, and take them to Sunday school class. Well, one particular Sunday morning I happened to see a spare basket (Moms had one too many) sitting on top of the dining room table. The basket was unusually large and canary yellow. I just stood there, in nothing but my white t-shirt and super friends underroos, and marveled at it. There was fake green grass within (I still don’t know what you call that mess) and a pink ribbon tied around the handle…

I just stood there. The Easter basket held me enthrall. It just sat there…calling me. I am so not kidding! Growing up, in my family, little boys were not supposed to have easter baskets. I guess it was the whole “Forbidden fruit” syndrome or something. However, I was just fascinated by that damn basket. All of the pretty colors and everything were simply too much for me to ignore. So, I made sure no one was looking and snatched it off the dining room table.

Alright, at this point I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or WHY I did it but, in nothing but my T-shirt and Underroos, I ran outside–with the Easter Basket in my hand–onto the front lawn! And for whatever reason I began frolicking, like a little faun, within the lush green grass of that crisp spring morning. Chile, believe me when I tell you that the QUEEN lept out of me like a velvet jack in a velvet muthafuckin BOX! Seriously, I was skipping, prancing, and spinning around, with the Easter Basket, in my T-Shirt and Superfriends underroos, like a maniac! It was kind of like that scene in “The Sound of Music” when Julie Andrews was in some rolling meadow, spinning around, in a big ass skirt…

I don’t remember WHAT inspired it. Maybe it was my umpteenth viewing of “Pollyanna” on the Disney channel? Or was it my love for Annette Funicello (they used to show reruns of the old Mickey Mouse club)?

Hell if I know. I sure didn’t care.

I kept on spinning with the Easter Basket and I loved every single minute of it! It was just something so right about it. In that moment, at that time, and in that space, me and my Easter Basket were ONE with the universe!

Suddenly, one of my older brothers ran out and yanked me off the ground and into the house! Snapped out of my rapturous bliss I endured an extensive lecture, from my mother, on why little boys are not supposed to play with Easter baskets.

2.) My Cute White Boy Obsession – When I was little, in the late 80′s, I developed three huge crushes. One was on Christopher Atkins in “The Blue Lagoon,” the other was for Rickey Shroeder on “Silver Spoons,” and last, but certainly not least, Tom Cruise in “Cocktail.”

The first time I saw “The Blue Lagoon” was on network television. I didn’t know what in the hell it was about except for the fact that there was this beautiful blonde god walking around in a damn loin cloth. I thought Christopher Atkins was so PERFECT.

At the time I was only seven or eight years old. So, really I had no true concept of sex, sexuality, and homosexuality. All I knew was that I kept drooling and hoping like hell his loin cloth would come off (even got close

Rickey made me gay!

to the television to see if I could see what was in it). Since it aired on network television that wasn’t happening. So me and my mother went to go rent it. I rented that movie nearly every weekend, for the next few years, until I discovered porn.

Don’t even get me started on Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Yeah, I know he is crazy as hell now. But back then he was the golden boy! I kept WISHING that I was Jordan (Elisabeth Shue) when they had sex under that damn waterfall…

And when I tuned into Silver Spoons syndicated reruns I kept getting confused. Why was I getting an erection everytime Rickey Shroeder took his shirt off?

Anyway, around twelve or thirteen, I rented Spike Lee’s “Mo Betta Blues” and fell for my first black man, Denzel Washington (who just SMOLDERS in that movie. My FAVORITE Denzel flick ever. He was too damn sexy in it)! And you know what they say…Once you try black, haha.

3.) The Macy’s Catalog - Speaking of black men…

Okay so he didn't look like this. But uhm...Marcus sexy!

I remember one rainy summer the Macy’s sales paper came through the mail. It was almost time for school to start so I liked looking at the clothes to coordinate my outfits and stuff of that nature. Well, I flipped to page eleven. To this day I’ll never forget him. He was this dark chocolate brotha, with curly jet black hair, broad shoulders, huge pectorals, bulging biceps, rippling abdominals, and dressed in nothing but a blue and white, horizontally striped, Speedo.

I looked at that picture for what seemed like an eternity. At the time I was eight years old. I didn’t know why I was so fascinated by it. However, I took it to my room and hid it under my bed. Everyday, for a year, I would come home and look at him. Looking at him made me very happy. I kept trying to tell myself I didn’t like him because, in my house, Liking boys if you’re a boy = BAD. But I kept that add until the shit turned yellow. My mom cleaned my room and eventually threw it away…

I cried over it. She never knew why.

Anyway, there were gazillions of other incidents. But those were my definitive moments.

So, what was your’s? I would love to know! 

With Love!

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Christ The Lord: The Road To Cana (suggested reading)

Dear Friends:

I am already nine chapters into Anne Rice’s ‘Christ The Lord: The Road To Cana’ and felt the need to rave about it!

The first installment, ‘Christ The Lord: Out of Egypt’ was a splendorous read. It took place during Yeshua’s (Jesus’) formative years as he learned the true extent of his frightening supernatural powers. The follow up, The Road To Cana, picks up where the prior left off…Yeshua as an adult, only a handful of years prior to his death by crucifixion.

Once again, Ms. Anne Rice is at her best. Alright, I definitely give this one four stars. Love, Love, LOVE IT baby!

Sincerely,

Toddy English

My Baby Daddy selects his Running Mate (Not Hellary ROTTEN Clinton!)

Obama (My Baby Daddy) and Joe Biden

Whoo! That was a close call. I am so glad my boo Obama (ain’t he handsome? Can we say DREAM BOAT?) didn’t concede and choose the psychotic Hellary Rotten Clinton! While this isn’t a political blog I just had to give a shout out. I love the choice of Joe Biden. His politics resonate with me as well. Now, it is onto the White House!

Honestly, did anyone REALLY believe this nut (see below) should have been in the White House? I don’t Think Sooooooooooooo!

Hit The Road Jack: The Signs of a verbal (potentially physical)Abuser!

Dear Friends:

PSYCHO: They ain't just Norman Bates!

All right, remember the guy I told you about a week ago? Well, he was DEFINITELY too good to be true! In fact, he seemed like a sociopath. Moreover, dude seemed as though he had Ike Turner potential! So, please believe I cut that brotha all the way BACK! Chile, he did a COMPLETE 180 after I started talking to him, believe that!

So check it…

Jack and me, for the first three days, talked to each other–at the sametime each night–regularly.

Okay, I always tend to go with my gut when something seems suspicious. There was something “odd” about Jack that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. At first I thought it was me being overly sensitive about certain traits and idiosyncrasies that are intrinsic to every person’s personality. But I still couldn’t shake something being “odd” about him.

I’ll just let what occurred speak for itself…

All right, the first time I met Jack was on a dating website. Well, as I said before, Jack hit me up first.

Jack: Hey man how r u?

Me: I’m good how are you?

Jack: Same. Hey I like your profile…

Me: Thanks, I like yours too.

Jack: Hey, I just moved here a few months ago…Here’s my telephone number (insert digits here).

Me: Thanks. Oh, just so we are clear, I’m not looking to just hook up or anything. That is not what I’m about. But if you want to get to know each other better then that’s whassup…

Jack: lol Your choice my brutha. I can get a hook up anywhere…Just wanna know u.

Me: lol, okay just making certain that’s straight. Okay, when is a good time to call you?

Jack: Anytime after seven is cool…

::End of exchange::

All right, after seven o’clock that night I called him up…

Me: Hello, may I speak to Jack?

Jack: Hi, this is Jack…

Me: Oh hey whassup this is Toddy.

Jack: ::smirk:: Hey how are?

Me: Good, how are you?

Jack: Hey, can I call you back. I’m out somewhere right now (so that was obviously his cell phone)

A few minutes later Jack calls me back. Alright, we chit chat for a few minutes, making all kinds of small talk, and things of that nature. The entire time we’re talking he’s giving me nothing but one word answers. I’m a chatty person; however, the easiest way to bore the hell out of me is if I have to goad you into a conversation…So, I asked him about what he did for a living. Simple enough question right?

Jack: I’m not going to tell you. I don’t know you like that…

::Red flag:: Yet, I didn’t heed it…

Me: Why not? I told you what I was doing..

Jack: :chuckles: Well, I work for law enforcement and that’s all I’ll say. You’re OUT so I know you’ll probably come up to my work place, in a dress and a high heels, and try and out me too.

Me: ::puzzled look:: ::laughs::

At first I thought he was joking. So I didn’t want to take it too personally. I just shrugged it off…

Me: Look playboy, I don’t wear any dresses; plus it is not that crucial. I just don’t feel the need to be closeted about myself. If someone knows they just know. Whether they like it or not is on them…

Jack: I bet you one of those that goes to ALL the gay pride parades and the clubs…I’ll bet everything you do is gay. ::laughs::

Me: :Not taking offense because atleast he’s actually talking: Yes, I do go to different gay events and functions; however, that is not ALL I do with my life…How about you? What do you do?

Jack: Well, I don’t feel the need to let anyone know my sexuality. Only close friends know and that’s it.

::red flag, and a violation of one of my criteria::

Me: Well that’s cool…

::Awkward silence::

Me: So, why did you hit up my profile?

Jack: Well, your’s wasn’t the only one I looked at–

Me: I didn’t ask you that…I asked why did you hit mine up?

Jack: Well, you had the sweetest prettiest smile I had ever seen…And you look like a little baby doll too.

Me: ::smile and laugh:: Aaawwww, thank you…Well, I thought you were handsome too even though I could only see one side of your face! ::laugh::

Jack:: Yeah, I holla’d at you then you started trippin about how you wasn’t into hook ups…

Me: :laugh:: Just lettin you know I wasn’t somekind of ho or nothin…

Jack: Yeah right, you know yo lil ass a ho…::laughs::

Okay, that kind of put me off for a minute…Then he laughed, so I thought, “Okay, if I blast him I might be overreacting.” So, I firmly told him that it has to be a comfortable situation for me to just sleep with someone…And he keeps on laughing and saying that I’m probably a lil ho. That is when he suggests I come over to his house, that night. He gave me his address and everything…So I told him, “Look, I am not coming to your house. I don’t even know you.”

Jack: Alright, cool then. Hey, I gotta take a shower. So I’ll talk to you later, cool?

Me: Okay…

I hung up and went back to reading my book. At first I thought that would be the last I heard of him. It just sounded like he was some clown that skipped all of my profile information (i.e. not looking for hook ups).

Suddenly, an hour later, the phone rang…

Jack: I just called back to say Good Night…

::Swish:: ::Three points:: That was so ridiculously sweet!

Me: You are too sweet! Good night to you too…

Jack: I’m not sweet I’m sour…::laugh::

Me: No, you are a sweetie. Alright, holla at me.

Needless to say I went to bed happy. If he was willing to do that he had potential…I figure I would get to know him better and, maybe, he just had a really obtuse sense of humor. Lots of people do, right?

So, for the rest of that weekend he and I talked regularly and everything was cool. At first I thought, “Hmmmm, he MIGHT be a keeper!”

How quickly THAT changed…

Aight, allow me to preface this by stating that I’m the only person in the known universe still using a dial up Internet connection. Look, it is cheap and, presently, I don’t feel like getting in deep with AT&T…Needless to say, due to the fact that I am still using dial up, I often allow my PC to run continuously. That way I never have to worry about logging on again, via that godawful dial up tone. I gave Jack both of my phone numbers (the cell and land line). Well, oneday I was out at the gym and did some grocery shopping. I left my Internet on the whole time…So, that night Jack calls me up. For the record I called him around eight that evening, but he did not answer his phone. Alright, when he called me–after midnight–he sounded like he was goin off of some Patron (Drunk). I had just gotten into the bed. 

Me: Hello?

Jack: Hey how you doin….just got in from a party

Me: Oh how was it? You have fun?

Jack: Yeah, what the fuck you think people do at a party? ::laughs::

Me: ::eye blink:: Uhm, excuse me?

Jack: Hey my homosexual friend, I been callin yo ass all day and the line was busy!

Me: ::groggily:: Oh, I forgot to turn my INTERNET off–

Jack: Naw yo funky ass was probably trickin fo some otha niggas, that’s what you was doin! ::laughing::

Me: ::Blinking my eyes not believing I was hearing what I was hearing:: Uhm, excuse me???

Jack: Why you wasn’t answering my phone calls???

Me:: Uhm, because I was out all day–

Jack: Liar! You know you lying!

Me: I am not lying to you I was out–

Jack: Liar! Liar! Liar ::laughing hysterically:: Yo ass tryna play that role like you got some morals, with yo ho ass…You was probably at the gym suckin dick!

Me: ::Wide awake and pissed:: Look, you sound like you DRUNK so I’m gettin off this phone and I’ll talk to you tomorrow…Because I am ABOUT to cuss you out if you call me out of my name ONE more time.

Jack:  Yeah what tha fuck ever, just answer the phone when I call yo funky ass! Look Imma about to pull into Denny’s and get somethin to eat. Talk to you later homosexual!

Okay, it was the middle of the night–I had to go to work the next day–and I was pissed. My first instinct was to call his @$$ back and put him on blast. However, I kept thinking, “Maybe he was just joking?” But I thought about it and said, “I don’t care if he was joking. That offended the hell out of me.”

So, the next day I E-mailed him and said, “Look, I like you. I really do. However, don’t you EVER for the rest of your life call me, in the middle of the night, talking to me like you are crazy. I mean it. That was really infuriating and I do not appreciate you disrespecting me in that manner!”

So, I was expecting an e-mail reply from him. Chile, he blocked my e-mail address. He was PISSED. So I called him up. He told me he was busy. So I hung up and did somethings around the house. He called me back an hour later. Like I said before…ole boy was PISSED.

Me: So, you still mad at me?

Jack: ::sarcastic laugh:: My brutha I’m not mad about nothing.

Me: Well, do you want to talk about what happened and why I wrote you the e-mail?

Jack: There is nothing to talk about…::huffing and puffing. The smoke is coming out of his ears::

Me: Well, I just wanted you to know that I do like you. However, I was not even tryna appreciate the way you came at me the other night.

Jack: No response…

Me: ::trying to force a conversation, but to no avail:: Okay, it is quite obvious that you don’t want to talk to me right now so–

Jack: okay, bye.

Alright, at that point I don’t know how I’m feelin. For whatever reason I was attracted to him…Yet, in that moment, he was started to repulse me. So, I figured MAYBE we could open some kind of dialogue if one of us were to acquiesce in this situation. So, me, I like to communicate and get along. With that I called his phone and apologized for him being mad (note: I refused to apologize for defending myself). Then he called me back. He was ranting and raving about me being “Too sensitive” and “On my period” and shit like that. So I asked him, “So you don’t feel that you were in the wrong about anything? What you did was incredibly offensive.”

Jack: Well, we don’t have to deal with each other if that is how you feel! You need to learn to take a fuckin joke!

Me: Uhm, I can take a joke. I just don’t appreciate you calling me out my name like that…especially when you barely even know me.

Jack: Well, when I like someone I want to be in contact with them ALL the time…

Me: Well, I apologize for having a life outside of you, Jack! What am I supposed to do just drop everything just so you won’t think I’m playin you–

Jack: You can’t play me. You couldn’t if you tried!

Me: Uhm, that is not the point of this discussion…I told you that I use dial up and SOMETIMES I leave it on continuously. You can dial my cellular–

Jack: Alright, how about this. Why don’t you come out to my house tonight…We can watch a movie.

Me: Thanks but no thanks. How about we meet somewhere…what about the galleria, since that is in the area between us?

Jack: Naw, the Galleria is too congested. We can make plans some other time…

Meanwhile I’m getting more and more disturbed. While I’m trying to rationalize his behavior my body is telling me something completely different. The thought of him made me almost ill, literally. So, the next day me and my best friend caught a movie. I had a lot of fun, and the whole issue of Jack became irrelevant. Later that night my good friend called me up, along with some other cats I talk to, and we chatted for a couple hours. Had fun doing that too. Suddenly my cell phone starts blowing up…

Jack: let me guess you’re online…

Me: No, I’m actually on the phone talking to some friends. Mind if I call you back?

Jack: Okay…

So, after I’m done talking to my friends I RELUCTANTLY called Jack back. At this point I pretty much know this is finished. Jack is a sociopathic, egomaniacal, tyrant who only wants to assert his dominance over people…Not to mention that his behavior is abusive. That fool had more red flags than a golf course. In fact, he reminded me a lot of my older brothers…That is NOT a compliment, at all.

So I called him up…

Me: ::bright and cheerily:: Hey how you doin?

Jack: I’m good just hangin…

Me: That’s good. How was church today? Did you catch the holy ghost?

Jack: Yeah, it was good…

::Dead air::

Me: Okay, this silence is too awkward…Why don’t you ask me something for a change.

Jack: I know everything I need to know about you.

Me: How is that considering all of our conversations consist of me doing all the talking?

Jack: I’m just scared to say anything because I might “offend” you ::sounding really sarcastic::

Me: Trust me, you do not offend me in the least…

Jack: Well, I should have known this wouldn’t work between us…We are “unequally yoked.” You don’t go to church and I do…You don’t like sports and I do…

Me: Uhm, if you wanted a carbon copy of yourself then take a DNA sample and get cloned ::serious as a heart attack::

And then Jack goes on this psychotic bourgeoisie tear about how I am not good enough for him and whatever…Then he said, and I quote, “You cute and fuckable, but that is all you’re good for.”  

Now, WHY did he have to say that? He OBVIOUSLY don’t know me…So, I let him have it.

Me: Oh, No WONDER you are single and DESTINED to die ALONE. You are an arrogant, pompous, egomaniacal, ignorant, retarded, and deranged son of a bitch. You have no empathy or compassion for anyone else. And, more than likely, you are a complete and utter failure in your career and personal life, which is why youy have to try and manipulate and controll others. You are a punkass coward and a bully. And the time I wasted with your stupid ass I could have been watching my toe nails grow. I don’t give a damn about the material possessions that you SAY you have. I just wanted to get to know you as a person. And what I now know is that you are a lonely, pathetic, irrelevant, sad, sack of shit! Negro, you don’t impress me a little BIT! Why not make the world a better place and play hop scotch in rush hour traffic?  

Jack: Hmmph :CLICK:

Me: Seeya!

Honestly, I am surprised he stayed on the phone to hear it all. Then again I talk really fast.

And that is the end of Mr. Jack, forever! Alright, hindsight is definitely 20/20. This fool was very emotional abusive, controlling, and conflicted…I also have a feeling that he was probably married (because the voice on his voice mail was distorted. The negro talks like he got marbles in his mouth). The only time he was halfway nice to me is when he thought we were going to get down. He would not tell me where he worked nor would he give me his home phone number.

Mind you, I said on my profile that I was not looking for hook ups. I was looking for someone to date and be friends with. I was 100% the entire time. He only gave me 45%

Honestly, I am so glad I did not get into it with him. He is a psycho. Ya’ll might have seen my ass on the back of a milk carton or somethin (then again, I do carry mace). He is definitely one of those DL tragedies WAITING to happen. I feel sorry for the next one unfortunate enough to cross his path. Jack is wack like crack, forreal…

The moral of this story friends is: ALWAYS listen to what your gut tells you! If you are in ANY situation and you just get a bad feeling heed it! Now, this ain’t no shit I learned on Oprah Winfrey either…I’ve experienced it. Always be perceptive and look for the signs. Don’t let anyone tell you, “Oh you’re being too sensitive.” If something makes you feel bad you feel bad for a reason.  Our bodies do not lie…When you see the warning signs of a potential abuser RUN. He is telling you that he’s no damn good. I dealt with ole boy for a grand total of five days and he made me sick. I don’t see how people stay in relationships like that for years and years…To anyone in a verbally abusive situation find your own power and get out. You deserve so much more.

On that note screw this online dating! Man, this is sho nuff for the birds. What I am going to do is keep on doing what I do.  Mr. Right is going to come along. Right now I’m working on the main course (me). My desert (my man) will be there when I’m ready.  When he does my heart will be wide open and ready to receive his love. Till then, I am just happy being single!  Dealing with an asshole for four days helped me appreciate my happy single life a HELLUVA lot more!

With Love!

Sincerely,

Toddy English

Lesson Two: Gay Life is NOT One Size Fits All (Toddy E’s Journey, Article 2)

Dear Friends:

This is a follow up regarding my therapeutic break through approximately two weeks ago. In the last message I discussed the issue of “settling” (while subsequently scribing a list of all the qualities I’m seeking in a potential romantic counterpart…ah screw it…a Boyfriend) and coming to the realization that I don’t have to. However, that was not the only point we (my counselor and myself) touched upon. The important issues of sex and sexuality were also discussed.

I told my counselor that, even though Bill and I are more compatible as platonic pals, Bill still suggested having sex together. This is a problem because I’m not attracted to Bill in a romantic or sexual way. No matter how I tried to force it, something wasn’t clicking. Bill isn’t an unattractive man. Yet, I just had no sexual arousal for him. I felt bad about that. Afterall, I’m a gay man, right? We’re all supposed to wanna have tons of sex, wherever and with whomever, correct? Some tail is just some tail to gay men, right?

Wrong. Maybe for some but not this one.

Okay, let’s back track for a minute shall we…

A few months ago I was chatting up some guys about this very issue. Anyway, to make a long story short, I stated that some men don’t have sex merely for the sake of having sex (i.e., “I’m horny. You’re horny. Let’s fuck”). Sometimes there is a deeper motivation, not merely a scorching libido. The general response to my comment was, “Oh that’s just a woman thing…” and “We have sex just because we’re horny.” Basically, my rationale was just waved off.

Normally, things like that don’t bother me. However, I actually thought it was something the matter with me for feeling the way I do. Afterall, I am a man too. And men are supposed to be aggressive hunters that go after what they want. Hell, it is certainly Darwinian. Men are hunters and women are nurturers (for rearing young and all that stuff). Men spread seed. Women select which man is appropriate enough to impart his seed upon her. That is supposed to be the order of nature, right?

So, why do I–a dude–feel the desire to have a “connection” with someone in order to feel sexy? Why don’t I feel the compulsion to be hyper promiscuous and “spread my seed” too? Don’t get me all twisted up I do love sex as much as the next man. In fact, I know that I’m a very passionate and sexual person. However, every guy I’ve ever slept with there was always some type of connection, be it: physical, emotional, romantic, psychological, and otherwise. I’ve never even considered laying down with a guy that I didn’t “like” on some level.

My last boyfriend and I slept together on the first date. However, that was because we spent the previous eight hours hanging out. By then my hormones was just going and…the situation felt really right. Yet and still I wasn’t behaving like the “typical gay” who’s supposed to be so amorous that he’ll drop his draws and bend over for any random stud that comes strolling down the pike…

That worried me. It made me feel as though I was inadequate. Again, I’ve a very healthy libido (some days it is REALLY healthy). But the thought of multiple random encounters; anonymous sex; and things of that ilk does not appeal to me in the least. Infact, it scares the shit out of me. I am not that daring. And I don’t want to go hook up with some random guy and wind up another gay tragedy (too many of those).

So, I brought the issue to my counselor. It worried me because it seemed abnormal, due to the expectation of tons of sex in the gay lifestyle.

My counselor reiterated the ages old adage that, “Men get to know a person through having sexual intercourse. Women, on the otherhand, have to get to know someone in order to feel sexual enough to have intercourse…”
She further stated, “But, there are some women who are highly sexual and can be just as amorous as men stereotypically are…Whereas there are men that need to make a connection, be it emotional, physical, or otherwise, to get their juices going.” She told me that I fell into the latter category (along with many other gay men), and that it was perfectly fine and healthy.

In that moment a smile alighted upon my lips. I breathed a sigh of relief. Admittedly, I’ve fooled around in the past. Yet, there was always a connection.
I never had completely random encounters because it always felt unnatural to me. And being apart of gay culture made ME feel unnatural because everything in this lifestyle is predicated on the pursuit of ass. The gay culture is so intrinsically MALE that if you exhibit any personality traits that deviate from the standard archetype (i.e., tons of debaucherous sex, using crystal meth, alcoholism, living in dance clubs, and, etc.) you are seen as “abnormal” or “sex negative.” Or, worst of all in gay culture, “Fem.”

That part of the session was a true break through for me. It really allowed me to truly inhabit my own skin for the first time. In all honesty if I really need to bust a nut I can do it myself (and it works quite effectively). So, why should I cruise for random sex? Random casual sex holds no allure for me. Now I realize it’s perfectly okay to feel that way.
Just like it is perfectly okay for someone who does enjoy random encounters and high risk PROTECTED sex to do what they do.

This isn’t about judging people insofar as it is embracing our differences. I came to the conclusion that, emotionally, I’m not built up to just fuck around. Many other gay men aren’t either, and I will reiterate…It is perfectly okay. The gay culture tells you that you should fuck around and if you don’t you’re somehow a failure. To me the only time you are a failure is when you aren’t being true to yourself and what feels comfortable to you. It all goes back to  loving and honoring yourself, mind, body, and spirit. If you don’t heed what your heart is telling you then it is bound to be a disastrous situation.

I’m glad I finally had someone validate me, and men like me, in this regard. 

Personally, I attribute my attitude to my orientation. I’m very comfortable being gay. In fact I love being gay (which is helping me learn to love me entirely). Although I’m a man (and love being so) I also have feminine energy that gives me balance and emotional insight. No, I’m not like the typical hot blooded guy, needing to tag every ass in sight. I’m a man who loves sex, true…but I want everything else that comes with it (whether it be straight out physical attraction; the feeling of security; or just that emotional connection).

I look at it as…This dude is gonna see me naked. So I wanna feel him on some level, know what I’m sayin? Basically, this is my body. I’m only going to get one. Therefore, when I give and share love I really need to feel safe and comfortable with that person. Otherwise, I can’t enjoy myself fully.

My good buddy from work, Freddy, is a guy like me. However, not passing judgment upon him (I love Freddy to death), Freddy gives his love away all too freely. Me and him are both openly gay. You ask us we’ll tell you, simple as that. So, the cats up there be comin at us on the regular (I swear our work place is like a gay club on Saturday mornings). Me, I turn down the propositions because I’ve no desire to give hand and blow jobs, on the clock, in a bathroom of all places. Freddy on the otherhand will give dudes hand and blow jobs then come back and tell me about it. However, Freddy never brags. When he regales me with details from his trysts it is more like he’s coming to confessional…

Case in Point: Some random guy comes into our work area the other day. Well, I’m watching Youtube videos and the next thing I know Freddy has disappeared. At first I thought he went to the bathroom. Well, I was correct;  but he didn’t go by himself. When he came back out–ya’ll I’m not lying–I gave him some hand sanitizer because there was a dab of MANyonaise on his cheek (ew).

So after Freddy washed up thoroughly we got into a discussion about his latest conquest. I asked little details (like how big was it. And if he was cute and whatever). But the small talk was fleeting.

Freddy went into this spiel about how he hated doing what he was doing…And the fact that he swallowed the guy scared him so much that he’s going to take an HIV test. He didn’t know dude from Adam and he let him bust in his mouth. I told him he should and that we could go together, for moral support. But I just shook my head and asked him why he CONTINUALLY did that kind of thing…
He just said that he likes giving them pleasure (And that he just doesn’t think when he’s in the moment). It made me feel sad because it says something about you if you let random guys nut on your face (and in your mouth). I hate to sound judgmental, but I could get over the look on his face. He deserves better and he doesn’t realize it.

Freddy represents a lot of guys out there. Some men don’t want to be the way they are but, subconsciously, they feel they need to be in order to fit into the life. And I feel this is why we have so many STD’s in the gay community. Many men feel that, in order to fit into this life, they have to lower their standards and forsake their gut instinct. Even if something doesn’t feel right to them they go along anyway…Just to be accepted. So many people are spiritually and psychologically wounded, thus, they make bad decisions…leading to dire consequences. Promiscuity in the gay community is very real…But the reality it is NOT all due to primal male lust.

One some level everyone wants to feel loved even if it is a goddamn lie. The very thing that we don’t want the straight community to do (judge us according to our sexuality) we do to ourselves. Our sexuality (be it a sexual position, a type, or whatever) begins to define us, when we are already wounded emotionally (by society and each other), and that is why we have so much self destructive behavior going on.

My thing is this…And I definitely had to learn it well. The gay life is what you make it. If lots of random sex with anonymous partners makes you happy and fulfilled then that is your prerogative. Again, I am the LAST person to be sex negative. I know that many people are not built up for long term monogamy. Again, that’s okay…

However, if you’re the opposite and need that connection to be physically intimate then that is just as valid. In order to be healthy, emotionally and physically, you must first cherish your own uniqueness. Don’t fuck around because you feel like you need to in order to be accepted. Because the person you sleep with won’t respect you. You are just another notch in his belt, period. Accept yourself first. You define YOU boo. In Layman’s terms: You are Webster. Your life is YOUR dictionary. You write the terminology. Feel me?

I don’t have to party hard; sleep with hundreds of guys; use drugs; drink; and dress in drag to be a positively gay man. Nor do I have to be defined by the Down Low culture that perpetuates hyper masculinity, fear, and shame. I can just be me and love going shopping, reading, dinner and movie, and tying one on at happy hour…As well as searching for a good boyfriend. And if I’m not feeling a hot guy enough to just jump in bed with him I’ll never second guess my motivations.

I am masculine because of my inner strength, fortitude, resilience, and courage. I am feminine because I’m sensitive, sweet, creative, and caring. All of that is in me; and I’ll never negate any of it no matter what gay or straight culture may dictate in regard to gender “norms.” That session helped me to reach equilibrium. I’m still growing and learning. But the more I get to know myself the more I’m learning to love me in entirety.  To that end I’m making better choices for my life.

So, to all the readers who are gay or questioning, or even heterosexuals that don’t fit traditional gender “norms” and ideals, don’t hang your head. Just know that you aren’t alone in you atypical attitudes towards sex and love.

Love yourself and know your worth. You are all valuable.

Peace.

With Love…
Sincerely,
Toddy English

Love Is A Battlefield: But I’m a Soldier (Toddy’s Latest Prospect!)

Dear Friends:

As you know my dating life has been, uhm, something from a bad romantic comedy script (haha…maybe I should write a script about it?), lately. However, I’ve been keeping a little secret and now I want to spill the beans.

I’ve met another one. And this cat looks like he has potential. Teeheehee!

Alright, when I was talking to, and dating, Bill I was still keeping my eyes open. We weren’t exclusive so it only made sense, right? Well, some guy hits up my profile and says he really liked it. So I checked his out. CHA CHING! He’s rather handsome and dashing, very mature! So, I told him I liked his too; and next message he forwards me his phone number.

For the record I’ll be calling this latest brotha Jack…

Okay, usually when a guy gives you his phone number–right away–he’s just lookin for a piece. So I wrote Jack back in order to let it be known that I wasn’t looking for a hook up, at all. So he replied and said, “He could get a hook up anywhere. He just wants to talk to me.” So, after all of my dating disasters, I decided to give Jack a call…No harm right? Well, the first night I called him we stayed on the phone for three hours! I really loved talking to him…

And with the exception of height (He’s 5’11) he pretty much fit within all the parameters of my list. He has a really witty sense of humor; he’s employed; intelligent (he’s going for a PHD); and he just makes me feel REALLY comfortable. I kept thinking, “Oh my god. I am so glad he isn’t here because I might lose all of my morals!” That feeling was non existent when I was hanging out with Bill. But even over the phone me and Jack really had that chemistry. I asked him what made him pick my profile out of the bunch. Jack replied, “You had the prettiest sweetest smile.”

::blushing profusely::

So I said thank you, held the pillow to my face, and laughed…loud. Yeah that was rather girly but hell…After the last few guys being like job interviews I felt it prudent to let my inner chick sing out!

Oh, did I mention that Jack has a dog too? Okay, I’m not going to hold that against him…Just as long as he likes animals that’s fine.

Later into the conversation Jack told me he had to take a shower, as he had to go to work the next morning. With that I bid him adieu and started reading my book. To my surprise, around eleven o’clock, the phone rings. I pick it up. It’s Jack again…

“I just wanted to say good night before I go to bed.”

::SWISH:: Three Points. Nothin but the fuckin net! lol

That was soooooo sweet! Oh my gosh no one has ever done that before. So, after that, every night we talk he does the samething. It isn’t just the superficial aspects (appearance and etc) that I like. I really feel like I can be myself around him. Case in Point: He’s a real bonafide church boy…When I told him I was somewhat of an agnostic he totally respected that.

Anyway, I don’t have any lofty expectations going into this. Figure I’ll just let it happen organically, see where it goes from here. But I won’t front. I am FEELIN him! So, if it doesn’t work out it’ll be just another dating failure you’ll see me opine about (followed by a post stating why I’m swearing off men and giving heterosexuality a try). But if it does you may bear witness to Toddy English becoming fully domesticated…And you maybe subjected to really bad poetry about love and all the icky stuff!

But alas what shall be shall be. So, as before, I’m taking it slow. For now I think I’ll hold off on meeting him in person too. I really wanna see where this goes.

So, to quote a fellow blogger friend of mine…

I’ll Keep you Posted! haha.

With Love My Friends!

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

P.S.

I begin working at my old job, full-time, on Monday. See, sometimes shit happens…But Bleach is bound to fall and rinse you off.  :MUAH!::

Having a horrific week…::Bleah::

Dear Friends:

Ever had a week that felt like it could bring you to your knees? Well, I am having one now. I’ve had the worst last two and a half days. At the present time I don’t even have the mental energy to compose a lengthy diatribe about what has been going on. All I’m going to say is that it concerns my career…

I’m actually thinking of going back to school and completing a master’s degree.  At this point I’m considering looking into other options. A career in the classroom may not be for me.

Looking at the brightside though this could, potentially, be the beginning of a fresh start. I need one more than anything right now. But, in the end, like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive.

Okay, take care of yourselves.

Love ya…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.