Am I an Atheist, Pantheist, or Skeptic: Hell if I know! Crikey, labels suck…

Dear Friends:

When I first began this blog my whole tag line was, “Confessions of a black gay atheist.” However, I’m not

Pantheism

exactly certain that I’m even an atheist anymore, ugh! In fact, I’m not really sure what my actual beliefs are at this particular moment in time. Lately, I feel myself back at one…discovering and redefining my own beliefs and values for myself. I’m now going through the process of defining myself for myself. It feels good yet scary at the same time.

Okay, let’s go back in time for a minute…

When I was a teen I was a super duper Christian. I was reared in a very evangelical family. Not only did I attend Sunday school religiously (pun intended) but I was also the leader of my church youth group (I met my second boyfriend in Youth group too). So, needless to say–in spite of the whole Gaysexual conflict–I threw myself into the church. In truth it was the only thing I had and ever knew. Even though I had a homophobic child molesting pastor the church meant so much to me. I really believed in EVERYTHING it had to offer, good, bad, and butt ass UGLY. I believed so blindly that I shut myself off from being a well rounded person (ie…learning about science and various other topics. Completely frowned upon at my church), which was detrimental to me (because I love learning new things).

Alright, move up to my 18th year. I came out. My church Queen boyfriend subsequently dumped me (because he was scared everyone else would find out he was gay too). Then I wound up catching all of this grief from homophobic fundamentalist family members. Thus, I totally threw my entire faith in the proverbial garbage can.

Granted, I’ve always doubted religion. The obvious errors, inaccuracies, and tall tales rubbed me the wrong way (among other things, homophobia being the preeminent issue).  Sooooo, when the shit hit the fan I said, “Y’know what, screw this. If there was a God he/she/it would not have made me gay in THIS family!”

God

So I went from youth group leader to hard line atheist…The transition was pretty traumatic to say the least. I even began frequenting this website called “Exchristian.net.” The people on it were wonderful. They embraced me as I slowly detoxed from all the indoctrination and damage wrought by the Baptist Church.

It was difficult for me to conceptualize there being absolutely NOTHING after our lives on Earth end. I was so used to praying all the time that I felt myself go through withdrawals. It was like discovering that Santa Claus was really my mother. Hell, I liken the whole experience to Neo being pulled out of the Matrix. You really gotta adapt to something like that. That is when I started learning about other religions. I dabbled in Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, and several other different faiths, hoping to fill the void left by kicking Christianity to the curb. However, I had the same problems with them as I did my old religion. Ultimately, at that time, the answers I sought were not in religion…I was seeking the absolute “Truth.” I needed to know why I was here, why I was gay, and what my purpose in life was…

So, I looked to science and nature.

I happen to love nature and animals. So, delving into the quest for knowledge about life’s natural origins was so fantastic. To this day I love studying about evolution and natural selection. It really is a wondrous process. Knowing that I am intrinsic to this Earth, and every living creature great and small, is absolutely divine (pun intended) to me…

But that is besides the point right now.

Stars

As time passes I am beginning to look at science a little differently too. While science and evolution can be proven (fossils, radioactive carbon dating, and etc) evertything is theory until proven factual. So, in that regard it is not emphatically true until it stands up to rigorous tests and the like. I do totally believe in science; however, I’m willing to admit that it is not 100% infallible. Our natural world is so intricate that we are STILL discovering its secrets…Yes, the big bang theory, in all likelihood, is the most plausible reason for the start of life. However, it is a theory…Much like God is a theory too.

Lastly, even though scientific theory helps me to understand the physical wonder and beauty of the world I still long for learning about things that will make me a better person. Science is the technicality. But I need food for my soul. As a creative individual that loves the fantastic and supernatural (I write Fantasy and sci-fi stories for Pete’s sake) I don’t want to totally write off every single thing I’ve ever learned. To quote the late Randy Pausch, “Just because you don’t see fairies on the lawn doesn’t mean there are no fairies on the lawn.”  That made so much sense to me. Yeah, you can’t prove something is there…Yet, you can’t disprove it either.

While I really don’t believe in a huge man . I do need to believe that there is something more to life, and humankind, than simply the fight for survival.

True, everyday a little gazelle wakes up his job is to keep from being eaten by Cheetahs. However, they don’t live their lives in abject terror. They frolick, play, mate, migrate, and eat alot of grass too. Yet, when they see a Cheetah they flee as fast as they can. Most escape. Some don’t. But they all fled anyway because they wanted to live. It is beautiful in its simplicity…Yet profound all at once. But, Playing Devil’s Advocate, from a scientific point of view all genes want to survive and go on…But why does the gene want to live? What gave rise to its longing for survival? Even a tiny gene had the wherewithall to create a speed racer, The gazelle, to ensure its survival.

Yes, I am open to the possibility of a God. However, if there is one he or she has to be extremely cruel, malicious, and barbaric; or, he or she is simply…imperfect, just on a grander scale. Maybe there is a force like in Star Wars (or the Tao)? Or maybe it all is organized chaos. I am not sure, but I’m willing to be open now.

I do believe in things like reincarnation, tarot cards, karma, and etc. Even though I don’t take the world religions as fact there is truth in them all. I garner so much inspiration from some biblical scriptures. Lately, I’ve gone back to reading my bible and listening to inspirational gospel tunes(from non homophobic artists of course). I see all of these different religious faiths as different paths to discovering my highest self. All have some intrinsic value if people use them for love instead of hate.

So, presently I am discombobulated…But in a very good way. Now that my rage at my family and church has subsided I am seeing things more clearly and profoundly.

As I said before, If I were to believe in a “GOD” again I would never cosign him/her/it to the lofty precipice of perfection. Because nothing perfect could have devised this chaotic universe. However, the universe is splendid in all of it’s imperfections, in my opinion. Perhaps, if there is a God, maybe he or she is a jolly old wizard who loves science. He or she is capable of creating great beauty; yet, is fallible enough to fuck up (war, death, pain)…And maybe he or she is working on making it all really perfect. Just something I think about. And it makes more sense to me…

Maybe when we die we do go to heaven. Or maybe we turn into stars? Or maybe death is just eternal sleep and heaven is a beautiful dream?

Anyway…

I am thankful for my hellish ordeal with the church and my family. It has helped me to have a grander vision of the world, the universe, and spirituality. I think the Dali Lama, Jesus, and Ghandi are all righteous dudes. And I love to play with tarot cards and read books about new age spirituality. I want to believe there is wonder in the world, not just this three dimensional reality.

Even though I don’t know what in the bloody hell my beliefs are I admit it feels rather good, and empowering, to let them grow and manifest on their own. Maybe I don’t need a label? When we label ourselves we force ourselves into these little boxes that don’t allow for growth and expansion. Whatever belief I settle upon will be the correct one for me. Ultimately, that is all that matters.

Y’know, I needed to be a hardline atheist for a while. I really did. It was profoundly good for me. It allowed me to fully pursue my intellectual pursuits and detox from a religion, that was imposed upon me, for a while. I needed my sabbatical away from the faith to help me appreciate that faith again. True Christianity, Islam, Wiccanism, Buddhism, and Hinduism, at their core, are beautiful concepts.  

For now, to quote the great Dali Lama, “My religion is kindness.” I will love, celebrate, and cherish everyone and everything around me. The rest is details.

To all my Atheist Brothers and Sisters…I still feel you.

To all my religious peeps out there…Thank you for not trying to shove your beliefs down my throat.

To everyone else…You don’t have to slap a label on. Just relax, go with the flow, and it will come.

This post was really more for me than anyone else. But thanks for reading anyway!

With Love!

Sincerely,

Toddy English

P.S.

I am posted up for the next two days! Whew! haha

To My Friends: With Love…Sincerely, Toddy English

Dear Friends:

This blog is a collection of random ramblings and thoughtful meanderings. Topics run the gamut from: inspirational thoughts, gay and lesbian issues, religion, entertainment/pop culture, 1980′s Nostalgia, and Gorgeous Guys Galore…all from the perspective of a young gay man of the African American persuasion…Me!

With Love…

Toddy English.  

P.S.

This is my contact information…

E-Mail: ToddyBoyJones@yahoo.com

Holla!

ToddyEnglish

Suggested Reading: Christ The Lord Out of Egypt by Anne Rice

 

Allow me to preface by stating that Anne Rice is one of my favorite writer’s of all time! I absolutely ADORE her work. The casual observer may know Anne best from “Interview With The Vampire”. My personal favorites have always been The Vampire Chronicles, which encompassed: Interview With The Vampire, The Vampire Lestat (my favorite), The Vampire Armand, The Vampire Vittorio, The Tale of The Body Thief, The Queen of The Damned (loved the book. Hated the movie), Memnoch The Devil, Blood and Gold, and Blood Canticle…Just off the top of my head.

Although she is most popular for her vampire tales Mrs. Rice has also delved into historical fiction as well; my favorite work from this genre being “The Feast of All Saints.” Now, I will add “Christ The Lord Out of Egypt” to this prestigious list!

I purchased this book last Sunday and I’m almost done reading it. Absolutely splenderous, and I’m not saying this as a Rice diehard.

What I love most about Anne Rice’s historical fiction is that she does the research. Every minute detail is about each culture, within a specific time period, is perfectly choreographed.

Christ The Lord is the first person narrative regaling the life of Jesus Christ. It tells the tale of Jesus’ childhood and the discovery of his profound supernatural abilities. Anne Rice takes us into this most prolific individual’s psyche and expounds upon his relationship with some of history’s most famous figures: Mother Mary, little Judas, and Big Joseph to name a few…

Whether you are religious or not I highly recommend this.

Enjoy!

Sincerely

Toddy English

A special Shout Out To Sistahs who support their Gay Brothers!

Dear Friends:

I wanted to do a post like this because, too often, black women who support gay men are often overlooked. Yes, you do have the nincompoops (that number in the thousands) who accuse every black gay man of being a lascivious, Down Low (ugh, I hate that phrase now) vector for HIV, seeking to destroy black womanhood. These fools populate the church pews and the all you can eat buffet line at Golden Corral.

Marvelyn Brown

However, they don’t speak for all black women. Many black heterosexual women are gay positive and support the rights of black gay men and lesbians. To them I would love to give a shout out.

My first shout out goes to Marvelyn Brown. I’ve been following Ms. Brown since she appeared on an episode of Oprah approximately two years ago. Marvelyn is HIV positive and completely unashamed. She is putting the message out there that HIV is still a threat, particularly to the African American community (gay and straight alike). She is fabulously bold and unapologetic about telling everyone how and why she contracted the virus.

I started reading her blog (it is on POZ.com); because, her sense of self and personal empowerment are AWESOME to me. In my opinion her name is misspelled…She should be called MARVELOUS.

Marvelyn, sistah, I think you are so beautiful and strong (as anyone living with HIV has to be). To you, if you read this, I say…stay positive (figuratively and literally, until there is a cure…which we’ll live to see)siSTAR.

Now, I would love to excerpt a portion of her blog. This particular post was my favorite…

“First and foremost, let’s just say that the “Down Low” phrase is overrated. And I especially take it personal when people blame the Down Low for the high rate of infection in Black women. You see I have two problems with that. First, it is bringing HIV back to a “gay man’s disease”, which that statement was never true, and then, it takes the responsibility completely off the woman. Look. As a woman living with HIV, I’ve learned this: at the time that the sexual encounter took place when I contracted HIV, absolutely nothing else was important except me protecting myself. Not his sexual orientation, nor his HIV status. I cannot blame him. I cannot blame my parents, my schools or TV. At the end of the day, I couldn’t blame anybody but myself…”

You can read the rest at: http://blogs.poz.com/marvelyn/

Sheryl Lee Ralph

This next Sistah, my personal favorite, one of my patron Goddesses, the divine Sheryl Lee Ralph. This woman is an angel in my mind. Not only is she an actress/playwrite but she is also a humanitarian and civil rights activist. When gay men were dying in scores due to the AIDS epidemic of the 1980′s Ms. Ralph wasn’t toting her Bible and castigating them. No, she fought for them (us really) and is still fighting over 20 years later. 

Last weekend I was watching (like many were) the special “Black In America” on CNN. Now, veering off topic for a minute, that special–to me–was all kinds of bogus. You would swear the African American community has done nothing except degenerate into decadence.

Be that as it may the statistics (which no one has any reason to make up) about the highschool drop out rate (50%) and HIV infection rate (African Americans are 14% of the population but make up nearly HALF of the new cases) were astounding and depressing.

Soledad O’Brien featured a panel consisting of TD Jakes, Julianne Malveaux, and some other guy. Needless to say the entire “Black In America” special relegated us (Gays and lesbians) to the invisible dungeon. We were, “Those whom shall not be spoken of,” as usual. Why TD Jakes is continually invited to the debate about HIV/AIDS (or any Baptist minister) for that matter is beyond me. Be that as it may the conversation was going nowhere, quick, fast, and in a hurry until Sheryl Lee Ralph joined the panel. Honey, when she spoke up she brought the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH, and nothing else but the muthaBLEEPIN TRUTH. She brought homosexuality and HIV/AIDS in the black community right out of the closet and FORCED this panel, and possibly black America, to recognize our real issues and biases…

To Sheryl Lee Ralph…Beloved, I salute you. And I offer my sincerest gratitude. Thank you for using your celebrity to let the homophobes in our community know we are human beings too.

Now, I couldn’t find Sheryl’s quote from “Black In America” anywhere; but I did happen to catch an online interview with her, on aol’s Blackvoices.com, with Jawn Murry. Here’s an excerpt…

“Jawn Murray: Tell me why you are so passionate about your work with HIV/AIDS. 

Sheryl Lee Ralph: That is probably one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. In this fight for me, it has gone in cycles. I have been in this fight long enough for people to tell me I’m crazy, to shut up, that it’s not my fight. They ask me why I’m talking about “those” people. That’s got nothing to do with you. I’ve been in this fight long enough for people to say to me: “You’re gonna go to hell for talking about this. God will not bless you!” I’ve been in this fight long enough for people to tell me that my career will go nowhere. On the flipside, people have told me that God will bless me and “thank God you haven’t stopped.” When I look at it and it was just gay men, gay men deserve to be cared about because they were my friends at that time. Tell me how I’m supposed to hate my friends. My brain doesn’t work that way. The silence and stigma that was over gay men is now over Black women. So you could hate on gay men, be silent about Black women, I’m not getting it. You know when the real pain comes? When people start burying their children, but it didn’t have to get to this point. My father told me that people don’t pay any attention until it absolutely has something to do with them. It’s hard. It is very hard…”

Here is a link to the entire interview…

http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2008/04/21/diva-direct-actress-sheryl-lee-ralph-gets-candid-on-hollywood-and/

 

 

With Love to my Sistahs!

Sincerely

Toddy English.

A Really “Nice” Evening…Maybe Just Friends.

Dear Friends:

Yesterday evening I went on a date. After my debacle on Adam4Adam I decided to try a different site. Anyway, one particular gentlemen–we’ll just call him Bill–hit up my profile and he had potential. He was employed, spelled correctly, and seemed like he was seeking the samethings I was (a stable relationship). While I’m enjoying the single life I still want to keep my eyes peeled for Mr. Right, y’know?

Well, cutting right to the quick, the only thing that really put me off about him was the prolific age difference between us. It is epic in proportions. I’m in my mid-twenties and he’s forty eight. Now, don’t get it twisted all up, I am very supportive of May/December romances. However, I’ve never been in one myself before (once dated someone seven years older than me but that doesn’t count). I’m used to talking to men between the 21-35 category. I’m not an ageist; however, I do think about what such a gap could mean for a long term situation (what happens when I’m 48 and he’s 71?).

Normally, I would tell an older man that I’m not ready to go THERE. However, lately, I’ve been opening my mind to the possibility of love with an older man. I want true and lasting love so I don’t want to eliminate any possibilities. So, judging by his photo, he looked nice. We talked via IM for a few days and we really enjoyed conversing with one another. He was very intelligent and could actually hold a great conversation (a plus). So we exchanged numbers and began texting each other. The day before yesterday we talked on the phone, for the first time, and had a really nice chat. So, the next day (yesterday) we decided to meet up at Starbucks.

I was very excited initially. Spent about an hour and some minutes getting ready, then drove to Starbucks (I’ve always used the Starbucks drive through window. Now I am going to actually go in. It is so nice!). So, I waited in eager anticipation. However, when I saw him walk up–Geez I don’t mean to sound shallow–he looked so much…older. Upon meeting him I almost wanted to ask, “Are you sure you’re really 48?” because he looked closer to his early 50′s. Dissappointment subside and I thought, “Y’know what? I’m just going to have a nice time and see how it goes.” So, I decided to over look the fact that he could have totally been my dad…

So, as we talked we really started to vibe. We had ALOT in common. I had a really NICE time with him. After Starbucks we went across the street to the book store (I got Anne Rice’s Christ The Lord…It is very good!) and hung out there for several minutes. After that he walked with me to my car and asked if I wanted to go with him to lunch. I told him I had already eaten (which was true), and that I needed to go to the grocery store for my mother. He was trying to convince me to go across the street to this Olive Garden…but I declined. After that we shook hands and left.

I had a very NICE time; however, I went home terribly dissappointed. While we got on great it was just NICE. No sparks flew between us. I think it was the age difference that did it for me. Online when you meet someone, as my girl Aaliyah said, “Age Ain’t Nothin But a Number.” However, in person, it becomes a whole a tangible issue. I kept wondering, “Why would a man of his age want to be with someone so much younger?” Me, I look really young for my age. So I can imagine him always being mistaken for my uncle or something.

I really wanted to feel that spark.  But I see him as more of a friend/older brother type, honest to gosh.

Lately, I’ve been giving guys a chance that I normally would not have been into; and that is failing miserably! But on the otherside of the pendulum swing the men I’ve felt intensely about never lasted (admittedly, some of the time that was my fault. But I’ve grown since then). Or the relationship was solely based on that same intensity. My last boyfriend just brought out alot of passion in me. We just had that chemistry. It was just the issue of him being very possessive and over protective. I’m an independent spirit so that was not going to go over well.

I am looking for that happy medium. I want something that will last; yet involve physical attraction too. I’m not looking for a Boris Kodjoe look alike, just a nice average handsome young man that I can grow with. I don’t want to be shallow, yet I don’t wanna sell myself short either.

Now, I don’t want to write Bill off just yet. So I’ve decided to go out with him again next weekend (gonna catch a movie). But, how I’m feeling, its looking like we’re going to be just friends…Which is really cool too. You can never have too many friends.

Holla atcha boy!

With Love,

Sincerely,

Toddy English

I Feel Beautiful: A Poem

I Feel Beautiful

Am I beautiful?
What does that term of flattery really mean?
Beauty, please, break me down like a syllable, paraphrase, and interpret my attributes yourself.  What do you find loveliest regarding me?

Are you unconditional authenticity or a mere illusory abstract?
It is written by the greatest poets that you are truth.
Indeed, I hope their assertions are fact.

Beauty, how do you define me within my totality?
Is it my dramatic brown eyes with the long and flowing lashes?
Or is it my gym toned and diminutive frame that stands as a living rack for the latest fall, winter, spring, and summer fashions?

Beauty, what are you to me?  Please, I beg you, tell me what you see.
My skin is thoroughly moisturized with over the counter facial creams; yet, even now, the meaning of you sometimes eludes me.

My longing is a gentle reminder from thee.
Whisper into my spirit’s ear and expound upon the conundrum that has penetrated my psyche.

Beauty, I listened. Now I finally see. You are none of those superficial things found within the pages of glamour magazines.  Stunning clothes and faces often masquerade as you; yet none are capable of encompassing your truest virtues.
You abide in me as: humility, compassion, warmth, unconditional love, and a warrior’s courage. With true magnificence within never shall any tribulation leave me discouraged.

Beauty, I can touch you now and feel you close to me.
I feel you. Indeed I feel you. Now I can honestly tell the entire world, and shout out to the heavens too, that alas, I finally feel beautiful.

_____________________

Dear Friends:

What does true beauty mean to you? How do you define it for yourself?

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

I Guess I’ve evolved more than I thought!

Dear Friends:

After three sessions my therapist discharged me. She told me, via her observations, that I just needed to get somethings off of my chest (due to all the stuff I went through). She also said that I was wonderfully observant, self aware, and in tune with my emotions.

And, in all honesty, I’ve really just been venting for the past two weeks. I just went in and spilled my guts (even during the intake session, which I count as the unofficial first one). Now, I feel a helluva lot better. So she asked me whether or not I felt I needed to still be here. I just said “No.” And that was the end of that.

At first I thought I was really complicated. But I don’t believe that I am. Oh well, sorry I don’t have any stories to tell you about how I sobbed on the floor n’ stuff.

Really, this blogging thing has been the best therapy a little gay man could ever have! Thanks for supporting me in what I do friends.

With Love

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Batman: The Dark Knight

Dear Friends:

Alright, I am not going to give a huge review other than to say…

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The Dark Knight was exquisite! This is one of the rare occasions in which the sequel is infinitely superior to it’s predecessor. I seriously didn’t get bored or nod off once! 

Joel Schumacher killed the once credible franchise with his predilection for latex nipples; the icecapades; and the casting of George Clooney (George Clooney?!) as the caped crusader. But Chris Nolan dug it up; recessitated it; and gave Batman’s bedraggled corpse a makeover. This is Batman how Batman SHOULD be!

Oh, and don’t get me started on Heath Ledger as The Joker. Ya’ll he made Jack Nicholson’s Joker look like Bozo The Clown. He epitomized, to me, what The Joker should always be…A maniacal psychopath with no method to his madness. This Joker was insane merely for the sake of being insane. Heath RIPPED it! It is so sad that he died (all of that talent gone too soon), but this movie was his blaze of glory. Had he lived there would have been Oscar gold for this one. He was splenderous, absolutely superb!

The Dark Knight is a definite must see…

Hell, you’ll get a double treat if you’re a Terminator fanatic like myself. The teaser trailer for Terminator: Salvation is shown prior to the opening credits. Man, I nearly wet my pants with glee when I saw it. And that sexy Christian Bale is playing John Connor too? Oh yes Ma’am I am waiting with baited breathe on this one, mmmmhmmmm!

On that note Christian please apologize to your mother and sister. I refuse to wait another decade for a Terminator sequel.

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

Thank You For Being a Friend: Rest In Peace Estelle Getty!

Dear Friends:

Yesterday, Estelle Getty—a sitcom icon—lost her battle with dementia. Now, ANYONE with a working television set knows the iconic character this woman portrayed. She was Estelle Getty to her family and friends. But she was Sofia Petrillo—from The Golden Girls— to the fans that adored her.

I’ve been watching The Golden Girls since I was a wee lad. The show was (and still is even in syndication) hilarious. And the theme of true friendship is beautiful and timeless. Golden Girls was an integral part of my growing up; and, it is one of the few sitcoms (besides Good Times and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) that I can watch over and over again.

When the last season aired I was nine going on ten. Around that time my father had passed away and, needless to say, it was a bummer around the house. But every Saturday night my mother and I would be rooted to the couch, with some Newman’s Own popcorn, watching Golden Girls and laughing hysterically at the antics of those gregarious old brawds.  

Rose was always my favorite because of her country girl naiveté, sweetness, and “back in St. Olaf” stories. But Ms. Sofia always held a special place in my due to her comic timing and acerbic wit. When Sofia walked into a room I would laugh before she ever uttered a word. I just KNEW she was going to deliver a zinger, it was expected. Just like you expect birds to shit on your newly waxed car you expected Sofia to make you laugh. And she NEVER disappointed.

There was one episode when, I believe, there was a heat wave in Miami and Sofia was standing before the refrigerator with her robe wide open. Rose comes in and says, “Sofia what are you doing?” To which Sofia replied, “What’s it look like I’m doing Rose? I’m trying to give the left over meat loaf a cheap thrill!” Now Sofia KNOW she a mess! (lol) Man, to this DAY I have to cut up when I think about that one.

Oh, Oh, Oh, remember the one where the girls were up, in the middle of the night, eating cheese cake (okay, that was every episode), and they were talking about wrinkles and falling skin? They each looked over a mirror and were horrified by their sagging visages. Well, Sofia told them to hold their heads back and look into the mirrors again. Dorothy and Blanche were elated with how much better they looked when the skin and wrinkles fell backward. Blanche even said, “Lord Have mercy I need to meet men lyin down…” To which Sofia replied, “I thought you already did.”

Okay, I am too through now…LOL.

Anyway, at this moment, I am seriously having a hard time feeling sad over Estelle’s passing. Because every time I want to be, “Aaaw I can’t believe it” I think about her as Sofia and laugh some more. What a wonderful way to leave knowing that you made people the world over smile.  

Estelle, thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the memories. And thank you for being a friend!

I  Love You!

::Muah!::

Sincerely,

Toddy English

 

The “N” Word: Words CAN Bring you down…

Dear Friends:

The dreaded ‘N’ Word has reared its ugly head once again (like we all knew that it would). This time in the 2008 Presidential campaign, and from the most unlikely source to boot.

I find it amusingly ironic how Democratic Senator, and Presidential hopeful, Barack Obama has gone out of his way to keep racial strife, animosity, tension, and division out of his campaign. Yet, this has been the most racially polarized campaign in the history of American politics! If you want to see racial bias and hatred (under the guise of wanting an “experienced” President) go to any John McCain supporter’s website (or watch Youtube footage of the Clinton campaign. Oy!). I swear many people would elect Adolph Hitler if it came down to him and a black man. Granted, there is just as much animosity from some on the other side; however, this election is going to be uglier than Flavor Flav!

But, I’m not going to go there right now. Back on topic…

Recently, as we all may know, the Reverend Jesse Jackson was overheard bitching and moaning about Barack Obama’s church circuit speeches regarding black parenting. The details of the particular speech, which was a series of speeches, is of no real consequence (So I shall refrain from giving my personal view on the issue). But It was Jesse’s reaction that sparked off the latest round of controversy.

Aight, I’ll preface this by stating that I’m not a fan of Mr. Jackson’s; moreover, I’m an ardent Obama supporter. So, be forewarned, I may seem a little partial. But I’ll try as hard as I can to be fair and impartial. With that said…

This fool (Jesse Jackson), knowing that there are cameras everywhere nowadays, said he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. Now, I don’t have the precise quote; however, the comment was quoted. That is all that matters. A Baptist minister saying that he wants to castrate another man, a black man at that, for nothing more than espousing an opinion? Uhm, I digress. Ya’ll, I was too outdone, needless to say.

Anyway… 

In the same segment Jesse was overheard saying, “He tryna tell niggahs what to do…” This quote was not released to the general public; however, Jesse himself went on record to issue an apology over it.

Whoa! Hold up! Time out! Mr. Deejay quit spinnin that record for just a second!

Uhm, did I hear that correctly? Jesse Jackson, Civil Rights crusader extraordinaire, used The ‘N’ Word against black people? Well, clutch the pearls and hush puppies honey. I thank ah feel a case of tha vapors comin on! Now, I could have sworn that this was the same Jesse Jackson that organized a public crusade, castigated hip hop artists, and staged a mock funeral (a complete and utter waste of time) for the most vile racial epithet in the English lexicon. Yet, here he is–Mr. black bourgieose himself–sounding like an old ghetto playa from a  Compton, California housing project. Chile, all I could do was laugh hysterically. It was so funny! Jesse Jackson is comical now. What he should have staged was funeral for his relevance to the African American community. Jesse, your time is up playboy. Pipe down and shaddap!

Friends, my issue isn’t with Jesse Jackson at all. Lets not get it all twisted up. The Reverend Jackson is going to be the Reverend Jesse Jackson. He’ll be back. Just give him a lil time and a racial controversy.

What I want to talk about today is that vile colloquialism called NIGGER. Yes, I said it, NIGGER. There is no need to politely tidy it up by refering to it as “The ‘N’ Word.” Nor will we give each other dap and say “NIGGAH” as a term of endearment. I want to go to the root of NIGGER. Let’s really discuss what this heinous, malignant, and evil epithet means to us, as African Americans (or Americans in general regardless of race), on the whole. Make no mistake about it my friends; Jesse Jackson is symbolic of a festering terminal illness that we continually treat like a common cold…Racism in America. And the word NIGGER embodies the brutal and abhorrent history that is apart of our legacy.

I’m going to be frank and speak for myself. I hate the word. With every fiber of my being I hate it. Yes, every single race and ethnicity–even sexual orientation–has its own slur: Gook, Wop, Kike, Jap, Chink, Spic, Wet Back, Beaner, and all those other ones. However, we as descendants of Africans have been burdened with a special kind of slur. Our slur is hundreds of years old and immersed in the blood, sweat, and tears of slaves, lynch victims, and hapless victims of sexual violence and abuse. Make no mistake about it we got slapped with that most egregious slur out of the lot. No other epithet engenders more pain, hurt, and division than NIGGER, regardless of what anyone says. Moreover, the word NIGGER was intended specifically for us. It was thrust upon us to devalue, humiliate, and deem us unworthy of the title “Human being.”

Yet we as African Americans now seek to not only reappropriate the word but also embrace it as a term of endearment? Excuse me but what the fuck? No! We can’t and we shouldn’t do that.  When are we going to realize that there is nothing endearing about calling someone or being referred to as a NIGGAH? I don’t care how it’s glamorized and popularized in the hip hop culture that elevates the ignorance and decadence of street life. It is high time we all got HIP to our history and HOPPED on over to the public library so that we can see how heinous NIGGER really is. At one time there was no need for this discussion. The use of NIGGER was relegated solely to the African American community (which doesn’t make it any less reprehensible). But thanks to the gangsta hip hop movement we have every white suburban teenager bandying it about in order to gain street credibility.

I work in an inner city school. The school is half African American and half Hispanic. However, 100% of the student population refers to each other as “NIGGAHS” whilst swearing profusely and showcasing track stained underwear via saggin pants. How are we going to grow with that kind of behavior? We are losing an entire generation to apathy, poverty, and ignorance and no one seems to care.

Sometimes I think that, maybe, subconsciously these people refer to themselves as NIGGERS because that is how they, inwardly, feel about themselves? Perhaps when we use the word our innerselves are telling off on us. “I am unworthy of love, respect, adoration, and good things…because I am a NIGGER” might be the internal dialogue of so many self loathing souls.

As African Americans we come from such a rich history of fortitude and strength. Heck, our passage here (the Middle Passage) was Darwinian. The STRONGEST of us survived and went onto thrive, adapt, and proliferate. We come from EXCELLENT stock. We come from courageous people who toiled from sun up to sun down while still having the audacity to hope for a better day. We come from disenfranchised citizens who stood up against fire hoses and attack dogs just so you and I could have the freedom to come and go, in our own country, as we pleased. To me there is NOTHING ‘niggerish’ about that. 

It all comes back to knowing your worth men and women. If we truly loved ourselves and one another, we would not allow ourselves to be called a NIGGER. Nor would we utter that word to our peers and loved ones (especially little children who learn it from US). Granted, culturally, alot of us do use it. I know I used to. I can’t front. I would get mad and call family members “NIGGAH.” However, unlike Jesse Jackson, I’m not a hypocrite. I have refrained from using it completely; because knowing that many of my ancestors–while being raped or lynched–heard it just before they died put things into perspective for me.  I don’t say it because I don’t want to hear ANYONE else to say it, regardless of race. It is not trendy. It is not cute. And it for damn sure isnt a term of endearment. I don’t want there to be any amibiguity (i.e. WE can say it but YOU cannot). The hip hop movement took away our right to only say it amongst ourselves (which was bad enough). Once it lept from the proverbial underground into the mainstream we lost our right to differentiate between who can and can’t say it. Yes, Chris Rock tried to make the differentiation but he FAILED triumphantly! He just made it even MORE accessible to racist white people simply because we are ALL “NIGGERS” to them. It’s time for us to collectively say enough is enough. We don’t need to stage a mock funeral for a word. Just stop saying it and let it die, simple as that.

Of course I’m not naive. There are still fools that will proudly display their ignorance by slingin it around as a noun, verb, and adjective. However, we can make a difference by not acknowledging it.

Yes, a word is just a word. But words do have power behind them. And words CAN bring you down. How about using our words to heal and uplift one another? I for one would rather here the beauty of “Brotha” or “Sistah” as opposed to “My NIGGAH.”

Think about it my friends…

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English